its been a hell of a week

... filled with successes, heartbreak, and finally, reaffirmation.

Andy and I have officially broken up. We've been in limbo mode since last Friday, when the conversation came up, and originally planned to take a break. Well, now its done and over with. Although I'm alternately sad and angry, I have to admit that I am relieved. I was pretty upset last weekend when we first discussed it, but afterwards, I felt that I had some time to start dealing with my own life. I got a lot of my shit together (including my room - whoo!) and got back into the business of dealing with my own life.

The last 6 months have been hell, between work, bschool apps, and this continuous string of boys. I'm usually pretty damn proactive about dealing with my stress and learning from my mistakes, but I've been so wrapped up in just trying to stay afloat that I've been hiding. One thing that Carolyn said makes so much sense: "Sometimes, you have to have a breakdown in order to have a breakthrough." Its too bad that this came at the expense of a break up as well, but in a lot of ways, its the break up that made me realize how we were not compatible or on the same page at all. Maybe I'll feel differently about it in a week or so - I'm going through the "anger" phase of grief - but for now, I'm just glad that given everything else that I have to deal with in the next couple of weeks, I don't have to deal with emotions either.

At the same time, this week has been one of triumphs. Beyond getting my room together and the NYU app out the door, I also released a two hotfixes - my first release! - and did a kick-ass job on my first Release Authorization presentation. This week has been up and down at work, because of all the pressure and tension of getting Process out the door, but by the end of the week, I think that tensions amongst the team calmed down and we were all pretty happy with what we've accomplished. So it ended on a good note. And honestly, this week has made me realize what an extrovert I've become. I've always drawn my energy from being alone, but now I am greatly affected by how others around me feel. This is a good thing. I think :-)

But I think the most important part of this week has been really understanding friendship, and realizing quite a bit about myself. For a while now, I've been really bad about talking to people about when I'm upset, to the point that I either bottle it up and break down, or I depend solely on my boy. I realized today its because I feel far more concerned about losing my friends than losing a relationship. But my friends have been incredible sources of support this week - and I hope to return the favor to them. I've reconnected with ones I haven't seen in a while (Wiggins, Agnes) and become much closer to ones that I adore (Caro, Eric, Karen).

Another huge thing is that I finally feel that I've earned my spurs at work, and that I'm part of the team, as opposed to the new person. Its nice not to feel like I'm always doing everything wrong or being afraid to make a mistake.

The final huge thing is seeing my fatalistic attitude towards relationships. As I said above, I really don't believe that any relationship is going to stick, despite my hopes. Well, no wonder they end up not sticking! Despite the fact that Andy and I ended up not being right for each other, its also good to know that I found someone that came close and that about 90% of the time, I can be the kind of person that I've always aimed to be. Yeah, the stress these last few weeks have made me regress into psycho-insecure-Serena, but I've also made some amazing breakthroughs in dealing with it initially. I guess its hard to expect other people to have faith in me when I don't have faith in myself. That's going to change.

Oh, and I've seriously joined Weight Watchers again. And went to the gym twice this week. Its a start. I'm not quite happy yet, but for once in my life, I think I will be.