2006: year in review

In 2006, I turned 30, started getting migraines, got my cavities replaced, lost 20 lbs, gained back 7 of them, broke up with A, got back together with A, broke up with A again, went through a whole lot of personal introspection, and finally became an adult.

It has definitely been a difficult, emotionally exhausting year - but in the end, I came out on top, a better, more sure and more mature me - and am looking forward to a great new year.

To celebrate 2007, below are the seven biggest accomplishments / changes that I've achieved this year compated to where I was at this time last year:

(7) Finances
Then: I was struggling with managing my money. Every month, I was worried about overdrawing my balance, having enough to pay bills, trying to catch up with money that I owed. On top of which, I had a bank account that I hated, but was afraid to close because I wasn't sure I'd be able to open another one; no credit cards; and such bad credit that I couldn't even face looking at my score.

Now: Thanks to some super referral bonuses from work, I've paid off all of my loans, with the exception of my car. I have two general credit cards and 3 store cards - all of which I pay off monthly to build my credit. All of my bills are being paid on time, I don't struggle with cash flow, and I even managed to pay $6700 for car repairs with cash I had on hand. (Of course, now I have $100 to my name, but hey - its something!)

(6) Work
Then: Although I liked my job at BEA, I was definitely stressed because I knew that I wasn't performing well. I could barely sleep because I was having nightmares all the time, and felt that everything I did was wrong. And I couldn't talk about it, because I was too ashamed to admit it even to myself.

Now: Thanks to Daisy, my amazing manager, and the support of many of my colleagues, I love my job and excel at it. Even though my style isn't for everyone, I know that people at least respect me and think I'm very intelligent and capable.

(5) Weight and Body Image
Then: One year ago at this time, I was frantically checking out every fad diet online and in the bookstores, looking for a way to lose the weight that had accumulated in the last 3 years. I hated the way I looked; I felt fat and gross, and I despaired of ever being able to lose the weight.

Now: Even though I've definitely gained back 5 - 7 lbs of the weight I lost in the summer, there's two key changes:

a. I lost 20 lbs on Weight Watchers! More than being a net total of 13 lbs lighter, I know that I can lose the weight if I commit myself to it.

b. I am actually happy with my body shape. Yes, I can do with toning the flab, and I'd like to get back down to 120 lbs. But I don't want to be a size 0, I don't hate my curves, I don't have unrealistic wishes for myself.

Also super-important is what I've learned through the weight loss journey about emotional eating, portion control, calories in/calories out, sensible and healthy dieting, and lifestyle changes. Even if I'm not at goal weight, I'm definitely healthier and more conscious about my food.

(4) Boundaries
Then: Boundaries? What boundaries? I thought nothing about pushing other people, and always ended up doing something that I didn't want. It was a vicious cycle: I would do or let other people do something I didn't like for fear of them not liking me; I'd build up the resentment; and finally, I'd explode, causing other people to, well, not like me.

Now: Not only do I know what they are and what mine are, I am all about enforcing them. I might have gone too far this summer in my first foray into holding my own, but I've learned from my mistakes with my cousing and Karen, and adjusted. Paradoxically enough, now that boundaries are clear between me and others, both parties can relax and just be.

(3) Friendship and Vulnerability
Then: I might have had a fun crew of friends, but I still felt alone - like if people knew what I really was like, they'd just leave me. So I had this outer shell of being a hard-ass that was invulnerable. Unfortunately, the side effect was that I was defensive, judgemental, and never established any true intimacy with my friends. By mid-year, I'd lost 2 of my closest friends and was in self-isolation, because my expectations were so high and my fear so great.

Now: I've recently been lucky enough to start hanging with a new crew of super cool people, and I've resolved not to be something that I'm not. I've also renewed friendships with ppl that I haven't talked to in a while, and closed the loop on two friendships that I carelessly threw away. It may be too late to salvage those, but at least I have said that I'm sorry.

(2) Acceptance of things the way they are
Then: I remember sometime in March, I called A and started crying. "It sucks to be a grown up," I said, thinking about all the shit that I had to deal with, with no one to help. "Yeah," he agreed. "But there's no going back."

That was a life-changing moment. I'd been living my life waiting until bills were paid, until I lost weight, until I went to bschool, until until until...

Now: But once I realized that I will always have responsibilities, I buckled down and accepted them. Now I feel much more free - because I don't approach things like paying bills or dealing with car issues like a great punishment, but rather as a part of life.

In addition, I found an amazing book by David Richo called The Five Things We Cannot Change, and it literally has had a monumental effect on me. I realized that I was constantly frustrated and unhappy because I wanted things to be a certain way - things that were not of my control. This book helped me accept things the way that they are, and in doing so, find some sort of inner peace. Most importantly, it showed me that there's almost no point in getting worked up - things are going to be the way they are, bitching about them won't make a difference, so why spend the energy?

(1) The Baggage
Then: Who doesn't know that I'm the queen of commitment phobia? Even though I was dating A at the time, I refused to admit to him or myself that I ever wanted more. I ended up always being unsatisfied because of it.

Now: Well, I think I'm finally in a place where I'm comfortable enough with myself and who I am that I'm ready to have a real, meaningful relationship. Part of getting there was understanding the roots of why I've been so afraid of relationships. I'm not saying that "poof!", everything's perfect now, but I'm ready - ready enough to clear out a bunch of serious emotional baggage before the end of the year.

*** HAPPY NEW YEAR! ****

2006: a few of my favorite things

Of course, how can one end a year without Top Ten lists? I don't actually think I have 10 things for some of my categories, but here are some of my favorite things that I discovered in 2006:

TV
You know me, I looooooove TV. And this year, I found some amazing shows - and weeded out some truly lacking ones that I've been loyal to until now

1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Ugly Betty
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. 24
5. Brothers & Sisters

Bye bye to...

1. Lost
2. Desperate Housewives
3. Nip/Tuck
4. L&O: CI

Skincare
I've struggled my whole life with not acne (thank God), but blackheads. Ew! How much money have I spent on facials? products? makeup? But I've finally found some kick-ass products that makes me happy:

1. Bliss Steep Clean Cleansing Milk
2. Bliss Steep Clean Moisturizer (am)
3. Bliss An Ounce of Prevention PM
4. Bliss Steep Clean (mask)
5. Bliss Pore Perfecting Face Polish
6. Fresh Appleseed Resurfacing Kit
   
7. Astara Blue Flame Purification Mask
8. Caudalie Contour Cream Eyes & Lips
9. Bliss Oil-Free Sunban Face SPF 30
10. Bliss Sleeping Peel Liver Spot Lifter

I'm all Bliss-ed out! Love it!

And in the Makeup Bag...
Only took me forever to find the right combo of stuff that would provide the right coverage, control shine, and not make me look like Tammy Faye Baker.

1. Laura Mercier Secret Concealer
2. Prescriptives Virtual Matte Oil Control Pressed Powder
3. Sue Devitt Silky Blush
4. Maybelline Super Stay Lipcolor
5. Maybelline Lash Discovery Waterproof Mascara
6. Rosebud Lip Salve
7. Sephora Brushes
8. Travel Eyelash Curler
9. Nail clipper and file

Finally, The Gym Bag
After the disastrous boob-holding incident, I was determined that not having what I needed was not going to keep me from my workout! So my gym bag is fully stocked at all times with the following essentials:

1. Extra sports bra and underwear!
2. Knee brace
3. iPod Video
4. Ponds Exfoliating Clean Sweep
5. Hair bands and bobby pins
6. Bliss Fabulous Foaming Face Wash
7. Deodorant (duh)
8. Sephora Super Smart Facial Moisturizer with SPF 15

I'm happy now :-) Ahhhh... consumerism at its best.

amox + aleve = gross!

After my not-terribly-fun journey on Christmas Eve/Day, I arrived home (finally!) only to get violently ill. The cause? I mixed amoxicilan and Aleve inadvertently, and ended up with severe stomach cramps, nausea, constant vomiting and you know what else for three days. THREE DAYS! Ugh. Yesterday was the first day I was able to stay awake for more than 2 hours at a time, and eat some semblance of big people food, e.g., not soup, rice, or oatmeal.

Turns out that I had a gum infection from getting my partial crowns put in last Wed - which is why I was taking antibiotics - but it interacts very badly with Aleve.

The silver lining? No overeating this year at home! (Yes, I know, pathetic.) Plus now I'm much, much better: I have my doggies, I have real food, and I have a prescription for vicodin.

Bring on the new year!

merry f*ing christmas eve.

I'm dirty. I'm sweaty. I haven't smelled this funky since I trekked through the jungles of the Yucatan. I tied my wet hair up in a bun at 4 this morning, and now, if I take the band out, it stays in bun shape. I stopped saying "thank you" 12 hours ago, babies make me scowl, and I haven't changed my socks for two days.

Welcome to the personal hell that is holiday travel.

Yesterday, as I arrived in Salt Lake City to board my connection to Philadelphia, I found out that my flight had been canceled. I bitched, I whined, I plead under pretty lashes and innocent little Asian girl eyes, but I could not get on a flight to the East Coast until today. Well - that's not true. I had the option of taking a flight back to LAX and then flying red-eye to JFK, landing at 7am. But the thought of dragging my dad out of bed at 4 to pick me up, plus the absurdity of flying back to California after I'd just come from there, was too much. So I spent my night at the Holiday Inn, and, 27 hours after I left my house, here I sit in Atlanta.

It could have been worse. I managed to score a fellow stranded passenger's voucher to the Holiday Inn - I originally got the icky Comfort Inn. I had all my stuff on me, and am quite used to hotel living. I had extra vouchers, and had [not very good] steak for dinner. I've been in SLC before, so for whatever reason, that was a comfort, and Holiday Inn had free wireless internet through the hotel. I might have had a nervous breakdown if I couldn't get access.

My diet has of course been for sh*t. Who's thinking about diet when you're rushing from one terminal to another - in not one but FOUR airports - hoping to get onto one standby or another? Cereal, sausage, steak, wine, German choco cake, Wendy's, and even the nasty little snack cheeses that they have on board (those cheap bastards). There goes my aspiration to detox over break.

Oh well. I'll soon be home with my mommy and my baby. And then I can begin my vacation proper.

drinking liquid

We had our company holiday party on Thursday at Club Fluid. Wow. I was wrecked. I must be getting old, because I can't really handle 10 beers anymore.

But it was super fun... or at least, what I remember of it ;-)


This is ridiculous. Both Andy and Jason are 6'7". I look like I'm sitting down - but I'm not.


Some of my favorite people - who looked around in confusion when I told them that. (L-R: Dave, Leif, Ari, Corinne, Jonathan and Dax)


Lisa, Kurt and Topher


The lunch crew and then some: Rob, Ingrid, John, John, Deepali and me


Rob and Ingrid


Ingrid and me


Me, John and hair!


Mitch is such a sweetheart


Jason (aka "The Kid"), Scott and Don

cookies for code freeze!

I continue to bribe my teams into hitting their milestones with baked goods. Last week: cupcakes to celebrate hitting feature complete for the Rank Engine. This week: cookies for code freeze.



The secret to good Program Management: kickboxing and baking.

boob-holding not recommended

At least not while running.

On Tuesday, mindful of the fact that Sara and I are dead last in my very own Holiday AP Challenge, I went to the gym during lunch. When I got there, I realized that I didn't have a sports bra. Not being particularly buxom, I figured that wearing two tank tops would be enough, so I climbed onto the elliptical.

A few minutes in, I realized that things were getting a little, er, bouncy. So I decided to hold my boobs the entire 30 mins that I'm running.

The next day, I wake up and my lower back is KILLING me. Turns out that I sprained a ligament in my back! You should have seen how motified I was explaining to my doctor how I injured myself.

My doctor said that I wasn't allowed to work out for the next few days, and wasn't allowed to work out without a sports bra ever again.

required reading

For all of you out there who has a problem believing that I am, in fact, an introvert - read on:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

I'm not sure I have read a better way to describe myself than this:

Introverts are not necessarily shy... Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Now I'm going to lock myself in my room and be alone.

is this what god is about?

Most of you know that I'm Catholic. Growing up both Asian and Catholic - even going to Catholic school with nuns and rulers! - my idea of God has always been somewhat like a stern, vengeful figure, more Jewish than Christian. "If you do something bad, God will punish you" type of thing. A little illustrated book of Bible stories that I read when I was 6 or so, which mostly contained stories from the Old Testament, probably contributed to that.

Even though Catholics are technically Christians, its certainly a religion centered around guilt and the repercussions of doing wrong. But recently, I think I've finally come to understand the Christian view of God; that at the core of Christianity is forgiveness. Whether or not that is actually practiced amongst the Protestant denominations I certainly don't know - after all, some of the fanatics you hear about in the news are less forgiving and more judgemental. Yet, we all know that the way religion is used as a social and political tool often have nothing to do with the intent or the spirit of the Bible.

If you wonder why I started to think about this out of nowhere, its a combination of a few things. First, I've finally decided to participate in RCIA and confirm my Catholicism. I was baptized when I was a baby and went to Catholic school in grade school; yet I never was confirmed. My involvement with the church have varied on and off - sometimes I'd go to Mass, most times I wouldn't. Because my family is not Catholic, I was hardly consistent and only learned what I learned on my own. RCIA assumes that you have no background in the faith, and its lessons and spiritual journeys really force you to think about what it is that you feel about God, and hope to gain from becoming a Catholic.

I've also been doing a fair amount of self-exploration. Not in the going-to-therapy, reading -self-help-books, on-a-mission sort of way that I used to be. I'm just trying to be, and in the meantime, let whoever/whatever I am float to the surface. I've consciously isolated myself from my traditional sources of support (friends, therapy, etc.) not because they are not valuable, but because I now recognize that I usually end up using them as a crutch. I want to learn how to finally take care of my own shit, instead of blaming other people, feeling the victim, or needing help. Support is wonderful, but not when it enables you to not think for yourself.

In any case, a big part of what has floated to the surface is recognizing all the bad things I've done, and the need to forgive - both myself and others. I feel guilty about almost every damn thing, and while a lot of that is because I'm a perfectionist or a control freak - at the root, it is because I have never really been able to let go of the things I've done and move on. Without being able to directly admit and address the issue to myself, its always just come busting out to the surface in a variety of inappropriate ways.

As I go through the RCIA journeys, I realize more than anything that what I want from God is forgiveness. Until I feel forgiven for my sins, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive anyone else for what they've done to me, because ultimately, I do not think that I'll be worthy to get angry. Its always this zero-sum game with me: if I do something wrong, and someone does something wrong to me that's unrelated, I feel that I deserve it. And though my belief in karma will likely never waver, until I can forgive others for what has happened to me, I'll never be able to move on with my life or past my issues.

So. Is this what God is all about? Forgiveness? If the Christian God is indeed a kinder, gentler God than the one in the Old Testament, then I can finally understand why people can find salvation in their faith. Cynic that I am (I majored in Nazi Germany, remember), I've always believed that "faith" equaled brainwashing, a need to belong to a social movement, a need for identity, a need to be guided - even while I feared God enough to keep my conscience mostly clean. Maybe the ability to believe that faith's power lies in love and forgiveness will help me be more receptive to the idea that love and forgiveness actually exist.

"I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this"
Christina Aguilera, Hurt

score!

I've been struggling with this gym decision for the last couple of weeks. You see, I have a single club membership at Club One Citigroup, which is a lot further away from the office, but totally worth it. When I was checking out gyms, I had decided that the one a block-and-half away was just not my thing. Its kind of claustrophobic, and I didn't love the classes.

However, recently I've been rethinking that decision. A bunch of my coworkers work out at the Embarcadero club, including Christine, who is supposed to be my gym buddy. And since its starting raining and getting darker earlier, I started to think that having the club so close would give me less excuses not to work out. But I didn't want to commit to a year contract at the Embarcadero Club, and I didn't want to be stuck in a year contract for all clubs. Theoretically, once spring is back, I'll be happy to trek over to the Citigroup Center.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, I talked to the club's GM again, and she released me from the one year commitment with no penalty. Not only that, I negotiated an all-SF club rate that's month-to-month, AND have access to all the SF clubs now, even though I don't start paying the new rate until Dec. 1st.

I'm stoked. If I really don't use the gym that often to justify the $20 extra per month, I can just hunker back down to the single-club membership come spring.

and the beat goes on...

I'm in a surprisingly good mood today. This morning, I ran into a co-worker at a coffee place next door to work. "Happy Monday... is it a good morning?" he greeted me. "It will be, if we want it to be," I exclaimed.

Even though there were definitely some frustrations with work (as usual), I feel like I've finally closed a chapter in my life and I'm ready to move on. This weekend, while highly emotional and difficult, helped me realize a lot of things going on with me and Neandy, and about myself. I'm still not ready to talk to anyone about it, but its a good step forward to moving on.

After I posted last night, Neandy and I had an out-and-out showdown regarding the boundaries of our friendship. It was hard, but (a) I think I finally got all the frustration and resentment I'd been harboring for the last year off my chest, and (b) I'd rather not invest more in him emotionally, even as a friend, if he's not on the same page. Both of us agreed that we're not speaking for a month. After that, we shall see. But its out there, I'm not walking away with anything left unsaid, and I feel liberated.

*~*~*~*
I continued along on my goal to make working out a habit. I didn't make it to kickboxing tonight - too tired, stayed too late at work, but I got home and did some serious yoga. I tried the Solar Flow on my yoga dvd, and man did it kick some ass! At one point, I was sweating so much that I had to pause and grab a towel! I didn't make it through the whole workout, but about 30 mins of some serious vigorous work and another 15 of more stretchy-relaxy stuff. Most important is that I did it. Yay me.

i love waking up early

As much as I want to be "cool" and say that I did something interesting on Friday nights, I have to admit that I really enjoy waking up early on the weekends without any sort of hangover, or oh-shit moments. This is all about being the real me, right? And the real me likes getting up and hitting the gym. Really sets a good tone to my weekend.

In other news, I am reviving the Before & After Pics and weekly weight loss update. My goals are to get back into shape and actually make working out an unbreakable habit, not just losing pounds. Stay tuned tomorrow...

new motto

"Don't chase me... unless you're ready to catch me."

Am I the chaser or the chased? Seems to apply either way.

yoga + kickboxing = ouch

Or, more accurately, BLOODY BUGGERING OUCH!

So my first week back to working out has been a pretty good one. I've gotten in 4 workouts, and I'm still planning to go to the gym on Sat morning, before meeting Sara for the farmer's market.

That is, if I can move. I did yoga last night (after kickboxing the night before), thinking that it would stretch me out. Uh, no. Vinyasa is not THAT relaxing. Its a lot of arm work, which means that today, my arms and gravity are not getting along.

I guess its a good ouch. But still.

sunny start to a rainy day

It didn't look like it was going to be a good morning. I woke up to gray skies - finally, winter (and the rainy season) has started in SF. I had gone kickboxing the night before for the first time in years, and I could barely lift my arms to brush my teeth. On top of which, I missed the bus by a hair's breadth.

So I headed into Sally's Cafe to actually sit down and have my morning muffin and coffee, and who do I see but Isidro. He teaches a 6:30am Spin class at World Gym across the street, and was getting his breakfast as well.

"Care to join me?" I ask.

"Sure, but don't tell my wife," he winks.

It was nice to sit down and catch up over coffee. Not only that, he was nice enough to give me a ride to work. I should start every morning like this - relaxed, and chatting with friends.

halloweeeeeeeen

We had our annual Halloween costume contest at work today. Carol and I decided to dress up as the Good and Wicked Witch(es) of the PMO... tres appropos, as those of us who work with us know.


Good and Bad Witch


The King


David Meyer, the page


Magnum, P.I.


The Nun-Ja


Jason, the Knight without a horse


Presenting our costumes to the masses


Samir, the rock star


Nacho Libre!


Run DMC, otherwise known as Crutch, Jose and Topher


The best part: Aerosmith joins in...


... Steven Tyler makes an appearance


And everyone dances together


Paris Hilton and Carmen Golib


The judging


We don't know what the hell that is

Happy Halloween!!

ok, i lied

You know how I said I wasn't going to go back on WW or track my points for 2 weeks? I lied.

I really intended to do it. But tonight, I tried on a dress that I just bought in August to see if it would work for my Halloween costume, and I looked... fat. I mean, gross back pre-WW fat. And I just bought it too!

As much as I want to focus on the physical, I can't just take my chances with my eating. I finally stepped on the scale tonight and faced the moment of truth. It was as I feared: I'm back at my threshold weight (127 lbs!), which was where I was stuck for the longest time, unable to lose weight.

I didn't want to spend the emotional energy to do it. I didn't want to focus on my physical appearance anymore, or risk losing weight to win Neandy back or something dumb like that. But I need to do this for me. Maybe I won't go Nazi-planning for a bit, but I've shocked myself back into WW. I think that not doing anything about it will be harder than actually putting some effort in.

Dammit.

the aftermath: good and otherwise

"It seems like a lifetime
Since I felt like a prisoner of my dreams
It took such a long time
For me to realize just how to be
And to listen to me"

Christina Aguilera
Thank You

Its been a while since I've put up a real post. And its taken me the last week to figure out why: I'm emotionally exhausted.

I didn't realize it (or at least, wasn't able to articulate it) until the breakup with A last Sunday. It was weird. I was upset for one day, and then... nothing. I mean, I miss him. I'm sad. I believe that he's right, something was completely broken between us. But rather than even feeling anything, much less doing my usual breakdown of the issue, analysis and goal setting, I just... sat.

In some ways, getting to burnout has helped me appreciate all that I've accomplished this year. Its been a 180-degree difference. I've learned the roots of my emotional eating and spending. I've become fiscally responsible. I know who I am, what my boundaries are, and what is or is not ok in my life. I've made a complete transformation at work. I've learned intimacy, vulnerability, and real friendship. I've gotten beyond the image of what I want to be, and found more. I've found balance.

And yet, through the last 9 months, all I could think of is how much further I need to go; all the things that I still have to do. I usually am pretty gung-ho about improvements, be they physical, emotional or spiritual. But I think I am at a point where I have made so many changes, that I need to learn just to be, and stop being a prisoner of my perfectionism. I've lost friends because of it - the last thing I need to do is to lose myself, after it took so damn long to figure out who the hell I am.

*~*~*~*
This plays a large part into how I'm dealing with the breakup. At least, this time, we are both in agreement: we've been trying to band-aid a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. We've both been assholes to each other; we're both guilty, angry, sorry, and relieved all at the same time. There's no question that we care about each other deeply and enjoy each other's company. But the problems are too deep rooted, and - at least for now - both of us are too exhausted to try to fix them.

I told A that we need to really repair our problems before we can even think about getting back together. If we can't fix what's broken between us, we will never be the sort of true friends that both of us want to be. Until that happens, I personally can't even think about whether or not we are compatible as more.

Its nice that we're on the same level here. I don't know if I've ever been in a breakup situation where two people are basically equal in the dynamics, and are committed to what needs to be done to move forward as friends. Its going to be a matter of how each of us handles our end of it - and when. I don't know when I'll even be ready to think about it, contrary to my "fix it" nature. But at least I'm not alone in this.

its over

A and I broke up last night. Yes, after our 1 year anniversary dinner. It sucks, but I'm actually not surprised, given some of the stuff that's been happening lately, during my long period of silence here. I'm still debating whether or not to take down the Gary Danko pics. I think I will for the time being, its just too much to look at right now.

So I guess, what's next?

speaking of nerds...

... apparently, they offer a Battlestar Galactica credit card.

OK, even I'm not that much of a dork.

my philosophy

There are some things in life you can't force. Like love. And poo.

commitment-phobia

Also known as writer's block.

I know what I want to write. I've got reams of handwritten drafts on paper. But for whatever reason, when I stare at the computer screen, I can't seem to get it out.

Grr. My first deadline for essays is fast approaching (eg is 30 mins!) and I've not got a complete essay on file yet.

HELP!

hack! hack! hack!

I have this neighbor that goes into hacking-coughing fits every now and then. I'm trying to remember if he does it nightly, or if it just happens every Saturday night. I mean, its really, really bad... I'd say that he's coughing up an internal organ, but I don't think he'd have any left.

Its disturbing (and kinda gross).

the worst spam offenders

... are, perhaps surprisingly, business schools.

I stupidly signed up for an MBA fair with my real email address, and in the 2 days since, I've gotten emails for 23 business schools. TWENTY THREE. Most of which are not in the US, are online, or are wtf.

Ugh. Now I need to figure out how to put a filter on.

uh, wtf?

A coup in Thailand? To heal intense conflicts? What conflicts?

Have I just missed the last 20 years?

happy for hiper

My favorite team, most of whom reside in Boston, came out this week for BEA World. So we headed off to a happy hour that turned into six...


Me and Jen. She's 7 inches taller than me.


Andy, JohnMc, and Scott


Topher and Joseph


Yes, he really is a foot and a half taller than me


Ilan, our favorite PM, and Jen


JohnMc and Scott


Jose, eating.


Chicken wings!

My only conclusion of the night? I'm short.

BABY!

Cutest picture ever...


I was trying to take a picture of Bennie, and Brindo wanders up with a "what's going on?" expression just as the camera went off.

Ok, this one is pretty darn cute too:



I miss my babies :-(

the little 3-0

Well, its come and gone... I'm officially 30. I woke up on Saturday, and my back hurt. Whether its because I spent most of Thursday night vomitting in A's bathroom or because I'm getting old is up for grabs.

On Thurs, the co-workers and I headed to Cigar Bar for some drinks. Glasses of wine turned into bottles, and I just have no desire to look at alcohol again.

The next day, another co-worker stopped me in the hallway. "Hey, sorry I didn't make it last night," he said.

"Its ok," I groaned. "I'm not entirely sure I made it either."

My very awesome coworkers:


Scott, enjoying life while running a bug bash


Me, Caius and cigar


Carol and Crutch


Me, Ari, Topher, and the cigar


John Kim!


Tim and Frederic

*~*~*~*
The bday festivities continued on Sunday, when I hosted a Hawaiian BBQ at home for my closest friends. There was WAY too much food... so much that I brought leftovers in to work on Tuesday and managed to stuff 7 people. But there was also my favorite cake from Tartine (thanks Fern). It almost collapsed under the weight of all those candles!


So many candles, too little cake!

"Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leaving fragments of a man so broken

Mother Mary full of grace
In my weakness, I've lost faith
I've been careless, and I have been warned
And the devil inside me is torn
God bless the men that I have scorned"

Christina Aguilera
"Mercy on Me", Back to Basics

hit and run

Holy sh*t, a man hit and run 14 ppl in San Francisco streets today. One died, an elderly man in Fremont.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/08/30/HITRUN.TMP

I'm still waiting to hear more about motive, as from all reports it was clearly deliberate. *Shudder* My cousin doesn't live very far from there. What if he'd be on the street?

lots of miss sunshine

Wow - Little Miss Sunshine is one fantastic movie! A and I went to see it on Wednesday night on his brother's recommendation, and it was just amazing. Funny, touching, brilliantly acted, intelligently written. Its been so long since I've really laughed out loud in a movie, and meant it. I never realized until now, but sometimes I laugh just because my companion is, but don't really find the jokes funny. But the number of memorable moments here kept me chuckling all night, just thinking back at it. My favorite was when the very-terrifying looking MC at the Little Miss Sunshine contests asks Olive where her grandpa is right now. I won't give away the joke, but her face and delivery are both priceless.

The acting was also terrific. There's not one actor that I thought was bad - I even thought Greg Kinnear did an amazing job, contrary to what some of the critics have said. I don't usually like Toni Collette, but she was great. And of course, Abigail Breslin is adorable!

But the best part of the movie is that is has an amazing heart at the core of it. This movie is not just about a dysfunctional family, or their adventures, or their ups and downs. Its about how each adventure, each up and down, and how they interact as a family because of them. I almost wrote "brings them closer together", but that's a cliche movie premise. You can tell here that the family was already close; it just took the events to reveal it to the audience. My favorite scene by far is the one in the diner, when Olive orders ice cream for breakfast. Lovely.

Definitely go see the movie. Its one of the best that I've seen in a very, very long time.

life, as we know it

Tonight, I sat on my porch, watching the sunset, enjoying a glass of red wine, and eating this amazing spicy lamb sausage & pasta from a local restaurant, and realized that life is really pretty wonderful. For once in my 30 years of existence, I don't feel deprived materially. I'm dating a guy that I genuinely care for, despite my reservations and insecurities. For all the stress that comes with it, I do love my job and my coworkers, and for the first time in as long as I remember, I'm pretty happy with the way I look. I don't feel behind on bills, short of money, deprived, envious, or angry.

So why am I still not happy?

Maybe its part of my natural disposition. As someone who has clinical depression, I just have moments where I hate life, and want to burst into tears for no reason. Maybe its because, as I learned during the last 6 months, we are conditioned by society to want everything to be perfect, because we have so much opportunity before us. Maybe its because we expect so much out of ourselves, we expect to be happy 100% of the time, that we cannot accept any blip on that radar.

I don't know what it is, but right now, I'm content to just appreciate my life for what it is, and not try to fix what objectively is not broken. Until tomorrow morning, that is ;-)

best text msg exchange ever

Between me and the cousin this evening:

S @ 10:10: bsg tomorrow nite?

K @ 10:11: busy. wed?

S @ 10:11: date. thurs?

K @ 10:12: parents

S @ 10:13: bugger

Alright, so its not that amusing, but if you read through the exchange, you'd realize what a geek I've become. Its one thing when it was just Buffy (e.g. chic-cult-nerd-cool), but now that I'm watching Battlestar Galactica, I am officially a dork.

Oh, and my aunt and uncle are coming to town. Hooray!

1st yelp grub-club @ isa

The very first Yelp Grub Club met up this past Saturday for a wonderful dinner at ISA. A total of 7 Yelpers, including me, showed up for some delicious small plates. It was verrrrry good - but unfortunately, following the spectacular dinner I had on Thurs at The House, it wasn't quite 5-star material.

However, it was great fun! Its the first time that I've really had a chance to get to know any Yelpers. Although the parties are amazing and fun, they are very San Francisco-esque in that ppl come with a group, and its hard to meet new people. I myself am guilty, as I always end up bringing someone with me. So its nice to have a fairly intimate setting like dinner to get to know everyone.


Gil, Jeff and the Jersey Girl


Ohhhh... foie gras! How I've missed you!


Rob and Cindy


Todd


Our wonderful quail - quite possibly the smallest bird ever


The group, with one member conspicuously missing (Mai!)

Cannot wait to do it again... Find out more about the next one here.