It has definitely been a difficult, emotionally exhausting year - but in the end, I came out on top, a better, more sure and more mature me - and am looking forward to a great new year.
To celebrate 2007, below are the seven biggest accomplishments / changes that I've achieved this year compated to where I was at this time last year:
(7) Finances
Then: I was struggling with managing my money. Every month, I was worried about overdrawing my balance, having enough to pay bills, trying to catch up with money that I owed. On top of which, I had a bank account that I hated, but was afraid to close because I wasn't sure I'd be able to open another one; no credit cards; and such bad credit that I couldn't even face looking at my score.
Now: Thanks to some super referral bonuses from work, I've paid off all of my loans, with the exception of my car. I have two general credit cards and 3 store cards - all of which I pay off monthly to build my credit. All of my bills are being paid on time, I don't struggle with cash flow, and I even managed to pay $6700 for car repairs with cash I had on hand. (Of course, now I have $100 to my name, but hey - its something!)
(6) Work
Then: Although I liked my job at BEA, I was definitely stressed because I knew that I wasn't performing well. I could barely sleep because I was having nightmares all the time, and felt that everything I did was wrong. And I couldn't talk about it, because I was too ashamed to admit it even to myself.
Now: Thanks to Daisy, my amazing manager, and the support of many of my colleagues, I love my job and excel at it. Even though my style isn't for everyone, I know that people at least respect me and think I'm very intelligent and capable.
(5) Weight and Body Image
Then: One year ago at this time, I was frantically checking out every fad diet online and in the bookstores, looking for a way to lose the weight that had accumulated in the last 3 years. I hated the way I looked; I felt fat and gross, and I despaired of ever being able to lose the weight.
Now: Even though I've definitely gained back 5 - 7 lbs of the weight I lost in the summer, there's two key changes:
a. I lost 20 lbs on Weight Watchers! More than being a net total of 13 lbs lighter, I know that I can lose the weight if I commit myself to it.
b. I am actually happy with my body shape. Yes, I can do with toning the flab, and I'd like to get back down to 120 lbs. But I don't want to be a size 0, I don't hate my curves, I don't have unrealistic wishes for myself.
Also super-important is what I've learned through the weight loss journey about emotional eating, portion control, calories in/calories out, sensible and healthy dieting, and lifestyle changes. Even if I'm not at goal weight, I'm definitely healthier and more conscious about my food.
(4) Boundaries
Then: Boundaries? What boundaries? I thought nothing about pushing other people, and always ended up doing something that I didn't want. It was a vicious cycle: I would do or let other people do something I didn't like for fear of them not liking me; I'd build up the resentment; and finally, I'd explode, causing other people to, well, not like me.
Now: Not only do I know what they are and what mine are, I am all about enforcing them. I might have gone too far this summer in my first foray into holding my own, but I've learned from my mistakes with my cousing and Karen, and adjusted. Paradoxically enough, now that boundaries are clear between me and others, both parties can relax and just be.
(3) Friendship and Vulnerability
Then: I might have had a fun crew of friends, but I still felt alone - like if people knew what I really was like, they'd just leave me. So I had this outer shell of being a hard-ass that was invulnerable. Unfortunately, the side effect was that I was defensive, judgemental, and never established any true intimacy with my friends. By mid-year, I'd lost 2 of my closest friends and was in self-isolation, because my expectations were so high and my fear so great.
Now: I've recently been lucky enough to start hanging with a new crew of super cool people, and I've resolved not to be something that I'm not. I've also renewed friendships with ppl that I haven't talked to in a while, and closed the loop on two friendships that I carelessly threw away. It may be too late to salvage those, but at least I have said that I'm sorry.
(2) Acceptance of things the way they are
Then: I remember sometime in March, I called A and started crying. "It sucks to be a grown up," I said, thinking about all the shit that I had to deal with, with no one to help. "Yeah," he agreed. "But there's no going back."
That was a life-changing moment. I'd been living my life waiting until bills were paid, until I lost weight, until I went to bschool, until until until...
Now: But once I realized that I will always have responsibilities, I buckled down and accepted them. Now I feel much more free - because I don't approach things like paying bills or dealing with car issues like a great punishment, but rather as a part of life.
In addition, I found an amazing book by David Richo called The Five Things We Cannot Change, and it literally has had a monumental effect on me. I realized that I was constantly frustrated and unhappy because I wanted things to be a certain way - things that were not of my control. This book helped me accept things the way that they are, and in doing so, find some sort of inner peace. Most importantly, it showed me that there's almost no point in getting worked up - things are going to be the way they are, bitching about them won't make a difference, so why spend the energy?
(1) The Baggage
Then: Who doesn't know that I'm the queen of commitment phobia? Even though I was dating A at the time, I refused to admit to him or myself that I ever wanted more. I ended up always being unsatisfied because of it.
Now: Well, I think I'm finally in a place where I'm comfortable enough with myself and who I am that I'm ready to have a real, meaningful relationship. Part of getting there was understanding the roots of why I've been so afraid of relationships. I'm not saying that "poof!", everything's perfect now, but I'm ready - ready enough to clear out a bunch of serious emotional baggage before the end of the year.
*** HAPPY NEW YEAR! ****
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