life, as we know it

Tonight, I sat on my porch, watching the sunset, enjoying a glass of red wine, and eating this amazing spicy lamb sausage & pasta from a local restaurant, and realized that life is really pretty wonderful. For once in my 30 years of existence, I don't feel deprived materially. I'm dating a guy that I genuinely care for, despite my reservations and insecurities. For all the stress that comes with it, I do love my job and my coworkers, and for the first time in as long as I remember, I'm pretty happy with the way I look. I don't feel behind on bills, short of money, deprived, envious, or angry.

So why am I still not happy?

Maybe its part of my natural disposition. As someone who has clinical depression, I just have moments where I hate life, and want to burst into tears for no reason. Maybe its because, as I learned during the last 6 months, we are conditioned by society to want everything to be perfect, because we have so much opportunity before us. Maybe its because we expect so much out of ourselves, we expect to be happy 100% of the time, that we cannot accept any blip on that radar.

I don't know what it is, but right now, I'm content to just appreciate my life for what it is, and not try to fix what objectively is not broken. Until tomorrow morning, that is ;-)