Even though Catholics are technically Christians, its certainly a religion centered around guilt and the repercussions of doing wrong. But recently, I think I've finally come to understand the Christian view of God; that at the core of Christianity is forgiveness. Whether or not that is actually practiced amongst the Protestant denominations I certainly don't know - after all, some of the fanatics you hear about in the news are less forgiving and more judgemental. Yet, we all know that the way religion is used as a social and political tool often have nothing to do with the intent or the spirit of the Bible.
If you wonder why I started to think about this out of nowhere, its a combination of a few things. First, I've finally decided to participate in RCIA and confirm my Catholicism. I was baptized when I was a baby and went to Catholic school in grade school; yet I never was confirmed. My involvement with the church have varied on and off - sometimes I'd go to Mass, most times I wouldn't. Because my family is not Catholic, I was hardly consistent and only learned what I learned on my own. RCIA assumes that you have no background in the faith, and its lessons and spiritual journeys really force you to think about what it is that you feel about God, and hope to gain from becoming a Catholic.
I've also been doing a fair amount of self-exploration. Not in the going-to-therapy, reading -self-help-books, on-a-mission sort of way that I used to be. I'm just trying to be, and in the meantime, let whoever/whatever I am float to the surface. I've consciously isolated myself from my traditional sources of support (friends, therapy, etc.) not because they are not valuable, but because I now recognize that I usually end up using them as a crutch. I want to learn how to finally take care of my own shit, instead of blaming other people, feeling the victim, or needing help. Support is wonderful, but not when it enables you to not think for yourself.
In any case, a big part of what has floated to the surface is recognizing all the bad things I've done, and the need to forgive - both myself and others. I feel guilty about almost every damn thing, and while a lot of that is because I'm a perfectionist or a control freak - at the root, it is because I have never really been able to let go of the things I've done and move on. Without being able to directly admit and address the issue to myself, its always just come busting out to the surface in a variety of inappropriate ways.
As I go through the RCIA journeys, I realize more than anything that what I want from God is forgiveness. Until I feel forgiven for my sins, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive anyone else for what they've done to me, because ultimately, I do not think that I'll be worthy to get angry. Its always this zero-sum game with me: if I do something wrong, and someone does something wrong to me that's unrelated, I feel that I deserve it. And though my belief in karma will likely never waver, until I can forgive others for what has happened to me, I'll never be able to move on with my life or past my issues.
So. Is this what God is all about? Forgiveness? If the Christian God is indeed a kinder, gentler God than the one in the Old Testament, then I can finally understand why people can find salvation in their faith. Cynic that I am (I majored in Nazi Germany, remember), I've always believed that "faith" equaled brainwashing, a need to belong to a social movement, a need for identity, a need to be guided - even while I feared God enough to keep my conscience mostly clean. Maybe the ability to believe that faith's power lies in love and forgiveness will help me be more receptive to the idea that love and forgiveness actually exist.
- "I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this"
Christina Aguilera, Hurt
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment