week 1: starting with optimism

Yes, I'm attempting yet again to do the weekly summary of what I did well and didn't do well. It helped a lot last time, so I'm going to use it again as a way to track progress.

So, many changes this week. After feeling overwhelmed for quite some time - regarding my weight and otherwise - I think I've finally gotten myself on an even keel and am ready to tackle my life with grace. I've also set some new goals in regards to my weight and fitness, as I continue to just become more and more self aware.

First and foremost: Not targeting a size 4 anymore. I'll be happy with a size 6, as long as its a healthy, fit 6 and not a flabby, wheeze-climbing-up-the-stairs 6. I'm 31 years old, I don't need to look like I'm 22. I want to aim for something I can comfortably maintain, not be stressed out the rest of my life for just a number. That being said:

Overall Goals:

• Size 6
• Lose 5% body fat. First checkpoint will be to get to 25%
• Weight: Somewhere between 122 and 127 will be good. Weight doesn't matter as much as body fat, since muscle weighs 3 times more than fat
• Get healthy! That means taking my multivitamin and calcium, consuming enough fiber, and drinking lots of water
• Stay relaxed and have fun!

Stats, Week 1:

• Weight: 128.8 lbs
• Body Fat: 27.8%
• Gym: Elliptical on Thurs, 20 mins

Accomplishments:

• Got my life in order! :-)
• Found and committed to a therapy group for authentic relationships. This is going to be good, I think, for helping finally relate to women, as well as learning about commitment
• Went to the gym

Week 2 Goals:

• Get back on Core - going to plan out some menus, eat healthy, go to a meeting
• Gym:
• Sunday: Elliptical
• Tues & Thurs: Weights and some Cardio
• Saturday: Pilates

I'm finally back in my groove, and hoping that this time, I can make it stick.

the big, bad thing that happened

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. At first, it was fatigue. Then wedding vacation in early May. But the really big distractor was The Big Bad Thing that happened to me the night I got back from vacation. I was in a taqueria in the Mission District, and I got assaulted by this teenage girl. Seriously assaulted - like punched several times in the nose, bleeding all over myself, police report, everything.

I was super shaken up about it, as you can imagine. There were a hundred times that I thought about posting and calling out for support, but I just couldn't even write about it. It took me a good three days before I could leave the house without being shaky, and another week before I would stop just hystically bursting into tears. I'm good now - finally have decided that I can't and won't let the action of others change me or my life - but it took awhile.

Good Life Changes
Thankfully, there's been good life changes as well. We moved into our new building during my vacation, so it was really nice to come back and go to a brand new office. Seriously, the new offices are gorgeous, and really have helped boost my mood, which was sorely needed in the wake of the assault. Now we have nice cubes and conference rooms, a view, and sunshine! Its really great - I think most ppl are a lot happier here now.

The incident also goosed me to make some serious decisions about my life - mostly, with moving. Ironically, it pushed me to NOT go on a LOA for 4 weeks and move into my own place sooner rather than later. You would think that I might be afraid of living on my own; in fact, it made me realize that I just needed to get out of the south side of town (which I was having a difficult time letting go of), and move to a nice area.

So, as of June 10th, I'll be moving to the PacHeights district of SF, into a one bedroom with fireplace, dishwahser, the works! Its a great neighborhood - PLUS, they are building out a fitness center downstairs. So this should push me to get more active.

Of course, there's lots of other ways that I've changed. My perspective certainly has, and I don't mean that its been tinged with fear. I realized that I have a really good life - I mean, compared to some 14 year old from the projects, who gets so upset over salsa that she actually beats someone up. Five years from now, there's a good chance she'll be in jail, dead, or still living in poverty. I, on the other hand, have a great job, great friends - and basically, it made me appreciate what I have, and stop complaining/getting depressed about the little things!

Its pushed me to be more active. I don't want to be weak anymore - something that's been bugging me for awhile, so I'm happily moving forward.

And finally, I hit my threshold for drama - a lot of which, I realized, I allow myself to get wrapped up in. It only took me 30.5 years to finally get fed up with drama! But once it hit, I moved on it.

On My Way
So, I'm happily on my way with big changes - and that includes my health. Incidentally, I *finally* picked out the ultimate little black dress. To hell with elegant and classic, I want to be HOT!

much, much better

Thanks to everyone who's been following my posts, and either commenting to me via blog or in person. Those of you who have seen me know that I'm much, much better now than I was at the beginning of the week. I think that letting myself be upset was the wisest thing that I ever did, because there was just so much pent up emotion that it literally took days to get it all out.

On the very bright side, things have progressed at a rapid clip, and are definitely changing for the better. Although I didn't make it to the gym after Pilates last week, I am much more motivated to get active again. Part of that has been letting go of my "diet" and just eating like a normal human being.

T and I have been more than civil - friendly even - and that has helped me feel comfortable again at home. Even if I am moving out, its always the worst when things are hostile or uncomfortable through the last days. Better than that, after seeing what seems like every 1 bedroom/studio in San Francisco, I think I've found the perfect place. *Cross fingers* that my application is accepted.

On the work front, I got a raise (whoo hoo!) and am finally settled in my job. No more one foot in the door, and the other out. We're moving offices, which will be nice, and I'm making plans to get promoted. I'm taking my career seriously.

Last but not least, strangely enough, the best piece of news that I got all week is that ex-Boy has started going on dates with this girl. Given that they are friends, there's a good likelihood that they'll get serious. My initial reaction was of course sort of jealous - definitely had a WTF moment - but frankly, I am relieved. No more ambiguity. No more maybes. We're still friends, its still not completely platonic, but as he said, the boundaries are much more clear cut.

The biggest difference, I think, is that I've finally just stopped comparing myself to other people - whether its a particular person, or a mythical "perfect" that I always fall short of. It helps quite a bit to just see myself as who I am, as opposed to seeing all the things that I'm just not. I definitely have lots of room for growth and improvement, but they are absolute goals measured against what I want, as opposed to relative goals measured against who others are or what I should be.

Finally - peace.

some perspective

Well, in case it wasn't obvious, its been a tough week.

Its been 3 days since my emotional outpouring, and today, things finally normalized. No more urges to burst into tears, or sly fogs of depression sneaking up on me. No more being set off by really tiny little things.

The normalization was, in part, a conscious decision. Last night, after having three atrocious apartment hunting experiences (one no-show, one wrong advertisement, one disgusting place), I was feeling super-stressed and looking up everything from one end of the city to another. Then, I had a brief conversation with one roommate (the first since our group talk on Monday) and a phone call from Colin, and I realized that its not like I'm being kicked out - I'm not on a timetable, and I can wait for the right place. Not only that, but I was feeling truly disgusting and flabby from poor eating and not meeting any of my workout goals for the week. I decided then and there that I was going to go to Pilates tonight, and that this apartment hunting deal was NOT going to be the sole focus of my life.

Then I watched some tv, and it was all better :-) (PS - "Drive" is awesome!)

*~*~*~*
Even before the world righted itself today, I'd gained some perspective on the whole my-life-needs-to-change-BLEH! outburst.

Its often said that there are three major areas where a status change can affect your whole life - love, housing, and work. It occured to me that there's really about 7 major things that concern everyone, and can cause massive stress:

1. Self
2. Health
3. Money
4. Love
5. Housing
6. Work
7. Friends
   

On Monday, I said that 4 of these things have really been bugging me for some time, and it was time to unearth them: body (self + health), love and housing. Yeah, things are going wrong, but I realized the next morning that I was saving the most difficult challenges for last. Because, despite how sucky the last year and a half has been in these 7 major life areas, I've made tremendous changes tackling them. My life and my comfort in it is completely different than it was a year ago. Just think...

• Health: I've lost 20 lbs, and KNOW that I can do it if I ever gain it back. In addition, not only have I been diligently monitoring the big obvious health issues, but I'm getting a hearing aid - a major life change for me! - and took care of some things I've been meaning to do for years, like dental work.
• Money: I've paid off almost all of my debt and have money left over to enjoy life without guilt. My credit is still far from stellar, but is on the repair for sure.
• Work: Some of my best friends are at work, and I finally see my job like my family: its definitely got its idiosynchrasies, but those are what are the best and worst things about it. Plus, I finally believe that I'm pretty damn good at what I do, and other ppl see it too.
  
• Friends: I have some pretty kick ass friends - *wave*
  

So I'm left with housing, love, and self. In reality, its not too bad - they are really the most difficult ones. On top of which, despite feeling like crud for the last week or so, the feeling is really residue from too much pent up upset. There's nothing for me to "fix", I know how to move forward. I just needed to finally mourn my losses enough so that I could truly leave it behind and move forward.

So. I'm ok. I'm not "bounced", I'm not going to be super-cheery, channel my energy into super-productive activities or indulge in self-destructive behavior. I'm learning to deal.

getting it off my chest

I've been pretty frustrated/unhappy recently, and I think its finally coming out. One of the things I'm really bad about is actually acknowledging the things that are not going well in my life, b/c I always feel like its a reflection of what's wrong with me.

As a consequence, I've been on and off blue and stressed lately. Keeping it in has fed my depression and feeling of isolation - so, out it goes!

1. Housing. Situation: sucks. No one is happy, my roommate and I are no longer friends. I'm moving out, which makes me feel stressed and scared, but at least its a change. Everything is on the table about all of our frustrations. Its been so long that I've kept it bottled in, that I'm still emoting even after the conversation. I guess there's nothing wrong with feeling crappy, it needs to happen sometimes.
   
   
2. Boy. I've been on and off in this weird thing with this guy for months. I used to think that it was me, that I just wasn't good enough, but finally I think we've gotten to a point where I get what's going on. I've stopped trying to convince myself that we were just friends b/c I thought that's what I should do. Acknowledging where we really are has done wonders for our ability to relate. We're nothing right now - not really friends, and definitely not anything more - but at least I'm ready to move on and (gasp!) even start dating again.
   
   
3. Body. Wake up call - I've been trying to ignore it for months, but going to physcial therapy today, it really hit me: I'm fat. Not overweight, per se, but I'm yucky and flabby and weak. Its time to get active. Weight be damned, I want muscle!
   
   
4. Age. You guys do not know how much turning 30 has impacted my life. I was down all last year b/c of it, and I kept feeling like I should be farther along at this point. Well. I've just decided to re-age myself: I'm really 27 :-) Just saying that, even 1/2 jokingly, has made me feel tons less stressed.

Isn't it always the same 3 - 4 things in everyone's life? I have finally gotten to the point where I am accepting how things are, rather than how they should be, and that's a huge burden off my chest in itself.

Posting it so publicly forces me to deal with it. Another reason its here? I'm not happy. I don't want to act cheerful or happy when I'm not. Just let me be unhappy, ok? Life kind of sucks right now. I'll bounce. But I gotta do it on my own terms.

2007 new year's resolutions

Or should I say goals?

Last year was the year of change and self-realization. This year, my themes are going to be maintenance and consistency - see if I can make those changes stick. Oh, and to HAVE FUN. I decided, I was so mired in my own self-discovery that I became serious, pensive, and, well, boring.

1. Get weight to 120 lbs and MAINTAIN with the help of my super-cool weight loss buds (Sara, are you listening?). More importantly, tone, tone, tone! That means losing 5% body fat, and be bikini-ready by spring, because....
2. I'm wanna go on vacation! Yeah, its been 2 years. Its time.
3. Dance! That'll be one easy way to burn calories, along with...
4. Kickboxing! I've been dying to master this for years
   
5. Be more positive - life's too short to pout - and accept things the way they are
   
6. Take care of my health, meaning (a) deal with the migraines, (b) get physical therapy so I can dance/kickbox again, and (c) be more consistent about therapies eg chiro, acupuncture
7. Have fun dating. Yes, I'm ready for a relationships, and the best way to get into that is to just enjoy myself meeting people. Speaking of people...
8. Be more social. That means meeting new people, strengthing new friendships, and reconnecting with ones I've ignored this last silent year.
9. Dump as much emotional baggage as possible. Yeah, cheesy, I know, but seriously. Seriously.
10. Save at least $10k. Why? Because its time to start thinking about the future and buying a house.

I'll check in mid-year to see how I'm doing. Wish me luck!

2006: year in review

In 2006, I turned 30, started getting migraines, got my cavities replaced, lost 20 lbs, gained back 7 of them, broke up with A, got back together with A, broke up with A again, went through a whole lot of personal introspection, and finally became an adult.

It has definitely been a difficult, emotionally exhausting year - but in the end, I came out on top, a better, more sure and more mature me - and am looking forward to a great new year.

To celebrate 2007, below are the seven biggest accomplishments / changes that I've achieved this year compated to where I was at this time last year:

(7) Finances
Then: I was struggling with managing my money. Every month, I was worried about overdrawing my balance, having enough to pay bills, trying to catch up with money that I owed. On top of which, I had a bank account that I hated, but was afraid to close because I wasn't sure I'd be able to open another one; no credit cards; and such bad credit that I couldn't even face looking at my score.

Now: Thanks to some super referral bonuses from work, I've paid off all of my loans, with the exception of my car. I have two general credit cards and 3 store cards - all of which I pay off monthly to build my credit. All of my bills are being paid on time, I don't struggle with cash flow, and I even managed to pay $6700 for car repairs with cash I had on hand. (Of course, now I have $100 to my name, but hey - its something!)

(6) Work
Then: Although I liked my job at BEA, I was definitely stressed because I knew that I wasn't performing well. I could barely sleep because I was having nightmares all the time, and felt that everything I did was wrong. And I couldn't talk about it, because I was too ashamed to admit it even to myself.

Now: Thanks to Daisy, my amazing manager, and the support of many of my colleagues, I love my job and excel at it. Even though my style isn't for everyone, I know that people at least respect me and think I'm very intelligent and capable.

(5) Weight and Body Image
Then: One year ago at this time, I was frantically checking out every fad diet online and in the bookstores, looking for a way to lose the weight that had accumulated in the last 3 years. I hated the way I looked; I felt fat and gross, and I despaired of ever being able to lose the weight.

Now: Even though I've definitely gained back 5 - 7 lbs of the weight I lost in the summer, there's two key changes:

a. I lost 20 lbs on Weight Watchers! More than being a net total of 13 lbs lighter, I know that I can lose the weight if I commit myself to it.

b. I am actually happy with my body shape. Yes, I can do with toning the flab, and I'd like to get back down to 120 lbs. But I don't want to be a size 0, I don't hate my curves, I don't have unrealistic wishes for myself.

Also super-important is what I've learned through the weight loss journey about emotional eating, portion control, calories in/calories out, sensible and healthy dieting, and lifestyle changes. Even if I'm not at goal weight, I'm definitely healthier and more conscious about my food.

(4) Boundaries
Then: Boundaries? What boundaries? I thought nothing about pushing other people, and always ended up doing something that I didn't want. It was a vicious cycle: I would do or let other people do something I didn't like for fear of them not liking me; I'd build up the resentment; and finally, I'd explode, causing other people to, well, not like me.

Now: Not only do I know what they are and what mine are, I am all about enforcing them. I might have gone too far this summer in my first foray into holding my own, but I've learned from my mistakes with my cousing and Karen, and adjusted. Paradoxically enough, now that boundaries are clear between me and others, both parties can relax and just be.

(3) Friendship and Vulnerability
Then: I might have had a fun crew of friends, but I still felt alone - like if people knew what I really was like, they'd just leave me. So I had this outer shell of being a hard-ass that was invulnerable. Unfortunately, the side effect was that I was defensive, judgemental, and never established any true intimacy with my friends. By mid-year, I'd lost 2 of my closest friends and was in self-isolation, because my expectations were so high and my fear so great.

Now: I've recently been lucky enough to start hanging with a new crew of super cool people, and I've resolved not to be something that I'm not. I've also renewed friendships with ppl that I haven't talked to in a while, and closed the loop on two friendships that I carelessly threw away. It may be too late to salvage those, but at least I have said that I'm sorry.

(2) Acceptance of things the way they are
Then: I remember sometime in March, I called A and started crying. "It sucks to be a grown up," I said, thinking about all the shit that I had to deal with, with no one to help. "Yeah," he agreed. "But there's no going back."

That was a life-changing moment. I'd been living my life waiting until bills were paid, until I lost weight, until I went to bschool, until until until...

Now: But once I realized that I will always have responsibilities, I buckled down and accepted them. Now I feel much more free - because I don't approach things like paying bills or dealing with car issues like a great punishment, but rather as a part of life.

In addition, I found an amazing book by David Richo called The Five Things We Cannot Change, and it literally has had a monumental effect on me. I realized that I was constantly frustrated and unhappy because I wanted things to be a certain way - things that were not of my control. This book helped me accept things the way that they are, and in doing so, find some sort of inner peace. Most importantly, it showed me that there's almost no point in getting worked up - things are going to be the way they are, bitching about them won't make a difference, so why spend the energy?

(1) The Baggage
Then: Who doesn't know that I'm the queen of commitment phobia? Even though I was dating A at the time, I refused to admit to him or myself that I ever wanted more. I ended up always being unsatisfied because of it.

Now: Well, I think I'm finally in a place where I'm comfortable enough with myself and who I am that I'm ready to have a real, meaningful relationship. Part of getting there was understanding the roots of why I've been so afraid of relationships. I'm not saying that "poof!", everything's perfect now, but I'm ready - ready enough to clear out a bunch of serious emotional baggage before the end of the year.

*** HAPPY NEW YEAR! ****

required reading

For all of you out there who has a problem believing that I am, in fact, an introvert - read on:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

I'm not sure I have read a better way to describe myself than this:

Introverts are not necessarily shy... Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Now I'm going to lock myself in my room and be alone.

is this what god is about?

Most of you know that I'm Catholic. Growing up both Asian and Catholic - even going to Catholic school with nuns and rulers! - my idea of God has always been somewhat like a stern, vengeful figure, more Jewish than Christian. "If you do something bad, God will punish you" type of thing. A little illustrated book of Bible stories that I read when I was 6 or so, which mostly contained stories from the Old Testament, probably contributed to that.

Even though Catholics are technically Christians, its certainly a religion centered around guilt and the repercussions of doing wrong. But recently, I think I've finally come to understand the Christian view of God; that at the core of Christianity is forgiveness. Whether or not that is actually practiced amongst the Protestant denominations I certainly don't know - after all, some of the fanatics you hear about in the news are less forgiving and more judgemental. Yet, we all know that the way religion is used as a social and political tool often have nothing to do with the intent or the spirit of the Bible.

If you wonder why I started to think about this out of nowhere, its a combination of a few things. First, I've finally decided to participate in RCIA and confirm my Catholicism. I was baptized when I was a baby and went to Catholic school in grade school; yet I never was confirmed. My involvement with the church have varied on and off - sometimes I'd go to Mass, most times I wouldn't. Because my family is not Catholic, I was hardly consistent and only learned what I learned on my own. RCIA assumes that you have no background in the faith, and its lessons and spiritual journeys really force you to think about what it is that you feel about God, and hope to gain from becoming a Catholic.

I've also been doing a fair amount of self-exploration. Not in the going-to-therapy, reading -self-help-books, on-a-mission sort of way that I used to be. I'm just trying to be, and in the meantime, let whoever/whatever I am float to the surface. I've consciously isolated myself from my traditional sources of support (friends, therapy, etc.) not because they are not valuable, but because I now recognize that I usually end up using them as a crutch. I want to learn how to finally take care of my own shit, instead of blaming other people, feeling the victim, or needing help. Support is wonderful, but not when it enables you to not think for yourself.

In any case, a big part of what has floated to the surface is recognizing all the bad things I've done, and the need to forgive - both myself and others. I feel guilty about almost every damn thing, and while a lot of that is because I'm a perfectionist or a control freak - at the root, it is because I have never really been able to let go of the things I've done and move on. Without being able to directly admit and address the issue to myself, its always just come busting out to the surface in a variety of inappropriate ways.

As I go through the RCIA journeys, I realize more than anything that what I want from God is forgiveness. Until I feel forgiven for my sins, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive anyone else for what they've done to me, because ultimately, I do not think that I'll be worthy to get angry. Its always this zero-sum game with me: if I do something wrong, and someone does something wrong to me that's unrelated, I feel that I deserve it. And though my belief in karma will likely never waver, until I can forgive others for what has happened to me, I'll never be able to move on with my life or past my issues.

So. Is this what God is all about? Forgiveness? If the Christian God is indeed a kinder, gentler God than the one in the Old Testament, then I can finally understand why people can find salvation in their faith. Cynic that I am (I majored in Nazi Germany, remember), I've always believed that "faith" equaled brainwashing, a need to belong to a social movement, a need for identity, a need to be guided - even while I feared God enough to keep my conscience mostly clean. Maybe the ability to believe that faith's power lies in love and forgiveness will help me be more receptive to the idea that love and forgiveness actually exist.

"I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this"
Christina Aguilera, Hurt