week 2: indecision

Warning: I took this week's pictures at night, after a big bowl of ramen soup, so they are slightly terrifying. But I didn't want to forget to take them this week - at the very least, it should keep me from gaining weight.

I always get to this point about this time of the month: two weeks before my period, when bloat overcomes me and I feel like I can't even see my feet. I become frustrated and feel fat; my clothes don't zip well and I just want to gulp down a bottle of Metabolife and call it a day.

Considering that I just made the decision not to aim for a size 4 (eg not dieting) but to trim my fat and be a happy size 6, I'm at a loss. What should I do? To diet or not to diet?

On the one hand, I think my original reasoning is valid: I can't sustain a size 4, even if I get there. I don't want to starve myself or deprive myself of the enjoyments of life, such as good food and alcohol. On the other hand, I have regained a good 8 of the 20 lbs that I lost last year, and at this time of month, even my size 6's feel tight.

*~*~*~*
Week 2 Stats:

• Weight: 129.2
• Body Fat: 27.3%
• Gym: 1 hour body workout on Thurs, Pilates on Sat

Accomplishments:

• Started working out with my new "personal trainer" - my friend JK, who has the amazing ability to drag me to the gym, even when I'm about to fall asleep. I'm happy that I pushed him to push me
• Went to Pilates and got my ass kicked. Yay!

Things to Improve Upon:

• OK, the excessive eating has got to stop (as well as the drinking). Sat night included a Swedish dinner for Rob's graduation that was not only cream-filled, but alcohol-filled. I was so hungover today that I scarfed down Chicken Hash and a Cheddar Cheese biscuit
• If I'm going to do Core, I should do Core, not loosely use Core as a template. That was very not good of me this week.
  

Week 2 Goals:

• Gym 3 times: Tues/Thu with JK and Wiggins, and maybe Monday
• Start Jazz class at CCSF
• Get back on Flex (like to eat too much!) and go to a WW meeting

I think, for now, that I will keep plugging away at the gym and continue eating healthy. Even on maintenance points, I'm still cheating quite a bit. If I set my goal realistically - eg, lower on the size 6 range so that I'm still that size during bloatime, I think I should be ok. So, I guess weight range would be 123-ish when I'm not filled with water, and closer to 128 when I am. Right now, I'm still closer to 128 on a good day.

week 1: starting with optimism

Yes, I'm attempting yet again to do the weekly summary of what I did well and didn't do well. It helped a lot last time, so I'm going to use it again as a way to track progress.

So, many changes this week. After feeling overwhelmed for quite some time - regarding my weight and otherwise - I think I've finally gotten myself on an even keel and am ready to tackle my life with grace. I've also set some new goals in regards to my weight and fitness, as I continue to just become more and more self aware.

First and foremost: Not targeting a size 4 anymore. I'll be happy with a size 6, as long as its a healthy, fit 6 and not a flabby, wheeze-climbing-up-the-stairs 6. I'm 31 years old, I don't need to look like I'm 22. I want to aim for something I can comfortably maintain, not be stressed out the rest of my life for just a number. That being said:

Overall Goals:

• Size 6
• Lose 5% body fat. First checkpoint will be to get to 25%
• Weight: Somewhere between 122 and 127 will be good. Weight doesn't matter as much as body fat, since muscle weighs 3 times more than fat
• Get healthy! That means taking my multivitamin and calcium, consuming enough fiber, and drinking lots of water
• Stay relaxed and have fun!

Stats, Week 1:

• Weight: 128.8 lbs
• Body Fat: 27.8%
• Gym: Elliptical on Thurs, 20 mins

Accomplishments:

• Got my life in order! :-)
• Found and committed to a therapy group for authentic relationships. This is going to be good, I think, for helping finally relate to women, as well as learning about commitment
• Went to the gym

Week 2 Goals:

• Get back on Core - going to plan out some menus, eat healthy, go to a meeting
• Gym:
• Sunday: Elliptical
• Tues & Thurs: Weights and some Cardio
• Saturday: Pilates

I'm finally back in my groove, and hoping that this time, I can make it stick.

and so it begins... again.

In the last few years, since I've gained 25 lbs, lost 20, and then gained 10 of them back again, I'd forgotten about the one thing that I loved, loved, LOVED about working out:

The endorphin high.

Even when I did WW (successfully) last year, I did it through moderating my intake of calories, and not so much about getting active. Oh, I had a thousand excuses: my knees hurt, I wanted to ease back into it, I didn't like my gym, my workout wasn't convenient enough. I tried having my own machine at home, workout videos, two gyms, two Pilates studios, three different kinds of yoga, and all sorts of challenges - and none of them worked.

I worked out every once in a while - begrudingly. I knew I had to do it; I felt flabby and fat, and most of all, weak. What happened to the fierce chick that carried a 28" television up three flights of stairs by herself, or who could kick the crud out of a guy twice her age in boxing class? The six pack bikini, the short skirts with boots, the halter tops?

So I trudged on, not once enjoying it. But after my semi-nervous breakdown this last weekend, where I finally got FED UP with myself, my excuses, and my needing the perfect environment, I got my ass in gear and just went.

And now I remember - the endorphin high. The reason why I worked out 7 days a week - not because I wanted to be all muscle, but because it felt GOOD! I've worked out 2 days in a row, and I can't wait until my work out tonight!

I can't maintain a 7 day a week schedule, at least not one out of guilt. But I'm going to ride this excitement for as long as I can - or at least until I get back into a size 4 'kini.

desperately needing detox

And all of my well-intentioned plans to not only exercise more, but eat healthier, have gone by the wayside thanks to uber-PMS.

I won't list out what nastiness I injested over the course of this last weekend, but two words: pancetta hash. Considering I feel so grody that I'm actually wearing (nice) gym pants and a sports bra at work today (can't fit into my regular ones comfortably), AND that Rupe's wedding is on Friday, I desperately need a detox.

So: No meat, no cheese, no fried foods and no alcohol from now until Saturday.

And no update on the dress/weight until after that. I'll be at my parents next weekend anyhow, and I'm pretty sure that nothing electronic works in their house.

getting lean, checkpoint 1: the dress

I've decided to do "checkpoints" instead of weeks, since I am abysmally bad at posting every week. I'm aiming for once every 2 weeks, at least.

I'm finally ready (and excited!) about my Getting Lean phase. Frankly, it helps not to think of it as "weight loss" anymore, and as gaining muscle instead.

Plus, my motivation arrived in the mail today, in the form of The Dress, and the fact that I hate the way I look in it. Maybe I'm not FAT, per se, but I don't like being quite so, er, curvy. So I'm stoked to start seeing the difference as I stick to a good, healthy diet and start working out.

And here it is... *drum roll please*

07 fitness diary, week 1: do no harm

Thanks to my week-long stomach unhappiness over break, I managed to get myself down to ~122 lbs. Very exciting, so my goal for the past week was to maintain that, and get settled back in SF and life before jump starting my fitnese resolutions.

Week 1 Stats, 1/1 - 1/7:

• Weight: 121.4 lbs
• Body Fat: 25.9%
• Workouts: None
• Total Points: Not tracked

I did do some damage on Thurs - Sat, when I first went out for Indian buffet, then drank something like 6 beers on Friday night, and hit up Fog City Diner for brunch on Sat, consuming the entire plate of smoked chicken hash! Hopefully, I'll be back in the swing of working out before the damage really starts to show up.

Since I didn't really track this week, and gave myself some time to get back into things, I'm not going to start the good-bad-futures until next week. However, I do have pics (yikes!) and fitness goals for the month:

Pics:













Humiliation (e.g., posting public pics of weekly progress) certainly helped me lose 20lbs last year, so I'm reviving the tradition as I aim to maintain the loss, lose 5% body fat, and get toned and bikini-ready.

Fitness for the Month
However, I am getting a personal trainer, and already signed up for dance at CCSF, so I'm confident that I'll be able to at least firm up, if not be supermodel material :-)

• This week (1/8): Get back to going to the gym (4x) and meet/start with trainer
• Next week (1/15): Start Beginning Jazz classes at CCSF
• Last week (1/22): Start kickboxing at Hwa Rang Kang

I'm ready to go! So glad its the new year...

ouch!

Yikes! Bunch o' work people and I went to have India food today for lunch - and it cost me 24 points. 24! That officially leaves me with 6.5 flexies for the rest of the week - and I didn't even track on Sun or Mon.

I do have to say, though, Tandoori Mahal was delicious and worth it. I was scared b/c I didn't want to go to Naan and Curry (after the tree bark incident) or Pakwan (after every post-Pakwan bathroom incident), but Gaylord, the only other Indian place we knew near work, was supposedly expensive and not very good. Thanks to Yelp, I found Tandoori Mahal, and it was delish. Its got a nice ambiance - not the hole-in-the-wall decor - and the food at the buffet was really fresh and not too greasy. Total tab was $9.50/person, including tax and tip. Not bad at all!

I am going to have to try and hit the gym tomorrow during work, since we're going out for happy hour and I desperately need some extra flexies. At least Corinne and I start WW meetings tomorrow. Dammit, my post-sickness eating isn't holding at all.

Total Points: 39 | 6.5 flexies remaining | 0 APs this week

day 2 back: zen

Today is my 2nd day back, both on WW and to work. And really, to SF, since I got back at 11pm on Monday night. Anyhoo, I have to say, its been really super good so far. I know its only been 2 days, but I don't know... something feels different. I'm just... not stressed. Despite some minor ranting about the tech-writer-from-hell, I've been pretty chill about the whole thing.

One of my co-workers even commented, "I'm surprised you're not more frustrated by the situation."

"I'm feeling very zen," I said. "What's the point of getting upset? Its not going to change anything."

*~*~*~*
From an eating perspective, my appetite hasn't been the same since I got sick. I'm just not hungry, and I actually had to make myself finish my lasagna today at 3 so that I could take my antibiotics. This is probably ok, since I usually overeat anyways, and it'll help me keep the weight off.

I did manage to go to the grocery store for the first time in ages (yay car!) and made myself a yummy dinner. Tonight, I'm going to do laundry, give myself a mani/pedi, and watch more eps of my new addiction, Brothers & Sisters.

Total Points: 28.5 | 23.5 Flexies remain | 0 APs

2007 new year's resolutions

Or should I say goals?

Last year was the year of change and self-realization. This year, my themes are going to be maintenance and consistency - see if I can make those changes stick. Oh, and to HAVE FUN. I decided, I was so mired in my own self-discovery that I became serious, pensive, and, well, boring.

1. Get weight to 120 lbs and MAINTAIN with the help of my super-cool weight loss buds (Sara, are you listening?). More importantly, tone, tone, tone! That means losing 5% body fat, and be bikini-ready by spring, because....
2. I'm wanna go on vacation! Yeah, its been 2 years. Its time.
3. Dance! That'll be one easy way to burn calories, along with...
4. Kickboxing! I've been dying to master this for years
   
5. Be more positive - life's too short to pout - and accept things the way they are
   
6. Take care of my health, meaning (a) deal with the migraines, (b) get physical therapy so I can dance/kickbox again, and (c) be more consistent about therapies eg chiro, acupuncture
7. Have fun dating. Yes, I'm ready for a relationships, and the best way to get into that is to just enjoy myself meeting people. Speaking of people...
8. Be more social. That means meeting new people, strengthing new friendships, and reconnecting with ones I've ignored this last silent year.
9. Dump as much emotional baggage as possible. Yeah, cheesy, I know, but seriously. Seriously.
10. Save at least $10k. Why? Because its time to start thinking about the future and buying a house.

I'll check in mid-year to see how I'm doing. Wish me luck!

2006: year in review

In 2006, I turned 30, started getting migraines, got my cavities replaced, lost 20 lbs, gained back 7 of them, broke up with A, got back together with A, broke up with A again, went through a whole lot of personal introspection, and finally became an adult.

It has definitely been a difficult, emotionally exhausting year - but in the end, I came out on top, a better, more sure and more mature me - and am looking forward to a great new year.

To celebrate 2007, below are the seven biggest accomplishments / changes that I've achieved this year compated to where I was at this time last year:

(7) Finances
Then: I was struggling with managing my money. Every month, I was worried about overdrawing my balance, having enough to pay bills, trying to catch up with money that I owed. On top of which, I had a bank account that I hated, but was afraid to close because I wasn't sure I'd be able to open another one; no credit cards; and such bad credit that I couldn't even face looking at my score.

Now: Thanks to some super referral bonuses from work, I've paid off all of my loans, with the exception of my car. I have two general credit cards and 3 store cards - all of which I pay off monthly to build my credit. All of my bills are being paid on time, I don't struggle with cash flow, and I even managed to pay $6700 for car repairs with cash I had on hand. (Of course, now I have $100 to my name, but hey - its something!)

(6) Work
Then: Although I liked my job at BEA, I was definitely stressed because I knew that I wasn't performing well. I could barely sleep because I was having nightmares all the time, and felt that everything I did was wrong. And I couldn't talk about it, because I was too ashamed to admit it even to myself.

Now: Thanks to Daisy, my amazing manager, and the support of many of my colleagues, I love my job and excel at it. Even though my style isn't for everyone, I know that people at least respect me and think I'm very intelligent and capable.

(5) Weight and Body Image
Then: One year ago at this time, I was frantically checking out every fad diet online and in the bookstores, looking for a way to lose the weight that had accumulated in the last 3 years. I hated the way I looked; I felt fat and gross, and I despaired of ever being able to lose the weight.

Now: Even though I've definitely gained back 5 - 7 lbs of the weight I lost in the summer, there's two key changes:

a. I lost 20 lbs on Weight Watchers! More than being a net total of 13 lbs lighter, I know that I can lose the weight if I commit myself to it.

b. I am actually happy with my body shape. Yes, I can do with toning the flab, and I'd like to get back down to 120 lbs. But I don't want to be a size 0, I don't hate my curves, I don't have unrealistic wishes for myself.

Also super-important is what I've learned through the weight loss journey about emotional eating, portion control, calories in/calories out, sensible and healthy dieting, and lifestyle changes. Even if I'm not at goal weight, I'm definitely healthier and more conscious about my food.

(4) Boundaries
Then: Boundaries? What boundaries? I thought nothing about pushing other people, and always ended up doing something that I didn't want. It was a vicious cycle: I would do or let other people do something I didn't like for fear of them not liking me; I'd build up the resentment; and finally, I'd explode, causing other people to, well, not like me.

Now: Not only do I know what they are and what mine are, I am all about enforcing them. I might have gone too far this summer in my first foray into holding my own, but I've learned from my mistakes with my cousing and Karen, and adjusted. Paradoxically enough, now that boundaries are clear between me and others, both parties can relax and just be.

(3) Friendship and Vulnerability
Then: I might have had a fun crew of friends, but I still felt alone - like if people knew what I really was like, they'd just leave me. So I had this outer shell of being a hard-ass that was invulnerable. Unfortunately, the side effect was that I was defensive, judgemental, and never established any true intimacy with my friends. By mid-year, I'd lost 2 of my closest friends and was in self-isolation, because my expectations were so high and my fear so great.

Now: I've recently been lucky enough to start hanging with a new crew of super cool people, and I've resolved not to be something that I'm not. I've also renewed friendships with ppl that I haven't talked to in a while, and closed the loop on two friendships that I carelessly threw away. It may be too late to salvage those, but at least I have said that I'm sorry.

(2) Acceptance of things the way they are
Then: I remember sometime in March, I called A and started crying. "It sucks to be a grown up," I said, thinking about all the shit that I had to deal with, with no one to help. "Yeah," he agreed. "But there's no going back."

That was a life-changing moment. I'd been living my life waiting until bills were paid, until I lost weight, until I went to bschool, until until until...

Now: But once I realized that I will always have responsibilities, I buckled down and accepted them. Now I feel much more free - because I don't approach things like paying bills or dealing with car issues like a great punishment, but rather as a part of life.

In addition, I found an amazing book by David Richo called The Five Things We Cannot Change, and it literally has had a monumental effect on me. I realized that I was constantly frustrated and unhappy because I wanted things to be a certain way - things that were not of my control. This book helped me accept things the way that they are, and in doing so, find some sort of inner peace. Most importantly, it showed me that there's almost no point in getting worked up - things are going to be the way they are, bitching about them won't make a difference, so why spend the energy?

(1) The Baggage
Then: Who doesn't know that I'm the queen of commitment phobia? Even though I was dating A at the time, I refused to admit to him or myself that I ever wanted more. I ended up always being unsatisfied because of it.

Now: Well, I think I'm finally in a place where I'm comfortable enough with myself and who I am that I'm ready to have a real, meaningful relationship. Part of getting there was understanding the roots of why I've been so afraid of relationships. I'm not saying that "poof!", everything's perfect now, but I'm ready - ready enough to clear out a bunch of serious emotional baggage before the end of the year.

*** HAPPY NEW YEAR! ****

boob-holding not recommended

At least not while running.

On Tuesday, mindful of the fact that Sara and I are dead last in my very own Holiday AP Challenge, I went to the gym during lunch. When I got there, I realized that I didn't have a sports bra. Not being particularly buxom, I figured that wearing two tank tops would be enough, so I climbed onto the elliptical.

A few minutes in, I realized that things were getting a little, er, bouncy. So I decided to hold my boobs the entire 30 mins that I'm running.

The next day, I wake up and my lower back is KILLING me. Turns out that I sprained a ligament in my back! You should have seen how motified I was explaining to my doctor how I injured myself.

My doctor said that I wasn't allowed to work out for the next few days, and wasn't allowed to work out without a sports bra ever again.

score!

I've been struggling with this gym decision for the last couple of weeks. You see, I have a single club membership at Club One Citigroup, which is a lot further away from the office, but totally worth it. When I was checking out gyms, I had decided that the one a block-and-half away was just not my thing. Its kind of claustrophobic, and I didn't love the classes.

However, recently I've been rethinking that decision. A bunch of my coworkers work out at the Embarcadero club, including Christine, who is supposed to be my gym buddy. And since its starting raining and getting darker earlier, I started to think that having the club so close would give me less excuses not to work out. But I didn't want to commit to a year contract at the Embarcadero Club, and I didn't want to be stuck in a year contract for all clubs. Theoretically, once spring is back, I'll be happy to trek over to the Citigroup Center.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, I talked to the club's GM again, and she released me from the one year commitment with no penalty. Not only that, I negotiated an all-SF club rate that's month-to-month, AND have access to all the SF clubs now, even though I don't start paying the new rate until Dec. 1st.

I'm stoked. If I really don't use the gym that often to justify the $20 extra per month, I can just hunker back down to the single-club membership come spring.