And all of my well-intentioned plans to not only exercise more, but eat healthier, have gone by the wayside thanks to uber-PMS.
I won't list out what nastiness I injested over the course of this last weekend, but two words: pancetta hash. Considering I feel so grody that I'm actually wearing (nice) gym pants and a sports bra at work today (can't fit into my regular ones comfortably), AND that Rupe's wedding is on Friday, I desperately need a detox.
So: No meat, no cheese, no fried foods and no alcohol from now until Saturday.
And no update on the dress/weight until after that. I'll be at my parents next weekend anyhow, and I'm pretty sure that nothing electronic works in their house.
4.30.2007
4.23.2007
getting lean, checkpoint 1: the dress
I've decided to do "checkpoints" instead of weeks, since I am abysmally bad at posting every week. I'm aiming for once every 2 weeks, at least.
I'm finally ready (and excited!) about my Getting Lean phase. Frankly, it helps not to think of it as "weight loss" anymore, and as gaining muscle instead.
Plus, my motivation arrived in the mail today, in the form of The Dress, and the fact that I hate the way I look in it. Maybe I'm not FAT, per se, but I don't like being quite so, er, curvy. So I'm stoked to start seeing the difference as I stick to a good, healthy diet and start working out.
And here it is... *drum roll please*
I'm finally ready (and excited!) about my Getting Lean phase. Frankly, it helps not to think of it as "weight loss" anymore, and as gaining muscle instead.
Plus, my motivation arrived in the mail today, in the form of The Dress, and the fact that I hate the way I look in it. Maybe I'm not FAT, per se, but I don't like being quite so, er, curvy. So I'm stoked to start seeing the difference as I stick to a good, healthy diet and start working out.
And here it is... *drum roll please*
much, much better
Thanks to everyone who's been following my posts, and either commenting to me via blog or in person. Those of you who have seen me know that I'm much, much better now than I was at the beginning of the week. I think that letting myself be upset was the wisest thing that I ever did, because there was just so much pent up emotion that it literally took days to get it all out.
On the very bright side, things have progressed at a rapid clip, and are definitely changing for the better. Although I didn't make it to the gym after Pilates last week, I am much more motivated to get active again. Part of that has been letting go of my "diet" and just eating like a normal human being.
T and I have been more than civil - friendly even - and that has helped me feel comfortable again at home. Even if I am moving out, its always the worst when things are hostile or uncomfortable through the last days. Better than that, after seeing what seems like every 1 bedroom/studio in San Francisco, I think I've found the perfect place. *Cross fingers* that my application is accepted.
On the work front, I got a raise (whoo hoo!) and am finally settled in my job. No more one foot in the door, and the other out. We're moving offices, which will be nice, and I'm making plans to get promoted. I'm taking my career seriously.
Last but not least, strangely enough, the best piece of news that I got all week is that ex-Boy has started going on dates with this girl. Given that they are friends, there's a good likelihood that they'll get serious. My initial reaction was of course sort of jealous - definitely had a WTF moment - but frankly, I am relieved. No more ambiguity. No more maybes. We're still friends, its still not completely platonic, but as he said, the boundaries are much more clear cut.
The biggest difference, I think, is that I've finally just stopped comparing myself to other people - whether its a particular person, or a mythical "perfect" that I always fall short of. It helps quite a bit to just see myself as who I am, as opposed to seeing all the things that I'm just not. I definitely have lots of room for growth and improvement, but they are absolute goals measured against what I want, as opposed to relative goals measured against who others are or what I should be.
Finally - peace.
On the very bright side, things have progressed at a rapid clip, and are definitely changing for the better. Although I didn't make it to the gym after Pilates last week, I am much more motivated to get active again. Part of that has been letting go of my "diet" and just eating like a normal human being.
T and I have been more than civil - friendly even - and that has helped me feel comfortable again at home. Even if I am moving out, its always the worst when things are hostile or uncomfortable through the last days. Better than that, after seeing what seems like every 1 bedroom/studio in San Francisco, I think I've found the perfect place. *Cross fingers* that my application is accepted.
On the work front, I got a raise (whoo hoo!) and am finally settled in my job. No more one foot in the door, and the other out. We're moving offices, which will be nice, and I'm making plans to get promoted. I'm taking my career seriously.
Last but not least, strangely enough, the best piece of news that I got all week is that ex-Boy has started going on dates with this girl. Given that they are friends, there's a good likelihood that they'll get serious. My initial reaction was of course sort of jealous - definitely had a WTF moment - but frankly, I am relieved. No more ambiguity. No more maybes. We're still friends, its still not completely platonic, but as he said, the boundaries are much more clear cut.
The biggest difference, I think, is that I've finally just stopped comparing myself to other people - whether its a particular person, or a mythical "perfect" that I always fall short of. It helps quite a bit to just see myself as who I am, as opposed to seeing all the things that I'm just not. I definitely have lots of room for growth and improvement, but they are absolute goals measured against what I want, as opposed to relative goals measured against who others are or what I should be.
Finally - peace.
4.19.2007
some perspective
Well, in case it wasn't obvious, its been a tough week.
Its been 3 days since my emotional outpouring, and today, things finally normalized. No more urges to burst into tears, or sly fogs of depression sneaking up on me. No more being set off by really tiny little things.
The normalization was, in part, a conscious decision. Last night, after having three atrocious apartment hunting experiences (one no-show, one wrong advertisement, one disgusting place), I was feeling super-stressed and looking up everything from one end of the city to another. Then, I had a brief conversation with one roommate (the first since our group talk on Monday) and a phone call from Colin, and I realized that its not like I'm being kicked out - I'm not on a timetable, and I can wait for the right place. Not only that, but I was feeling truly disgusting and flabby from poor eating and not meeting any of my workout goals for the week. I decided then and there that I was going to go to Pilates tonight, and that this apartment hunting deal was NOT going to be the sole focus of my life.
Then I watched some tv, and it was all better :-) (PS - "Drive" is awesome!)
*~*~*~*
Even before the world righted itself today, I'd gained some perspective on the whole my-life-needs-to-change-BLEH! outburst.
Its often said that there are three major areas where a status change can affect your whole life - love, housing, and work. It occured to me that there's really about 7 major things that concern everyone, and can cause massive stress:
Its been 3 days since my emotional outpouring, and today, things finally normalized. No more urges to burst into tears, or sly fogs of depression sneaking up on me. No more being set off by really tiny little things.
The normalization was, in part, a conscious decision. Last night, after having three atrocious apartment hunting experiences (one no-show, one wrong advertisement, one disgusting place), I was feeling super-stressed and looking up everything from one end of the city to another. Then, I had a brief conversation with one roommate (the first since our group talk on Monday) and a phone call from Colin, and I realized that its not like I'm being kicked out - I'm not on a timetable, and I can wait for the right place. Not only that, but I was feeling truly disgusting and flabby from poor eating and not meeting any of my workout goals for the week. I decided then and there that I was going to go to Pilates tonight, and that this apartment hunting deal was NOT going to be the sole focus of my life.
Then I watched some tv, and it was all better :-) (PS - "Drive" is awesome!)
*~*~*~*
Even before the world righted itself today, I'd gained some perspective on the whole my-life-needs-to-change-BLEH! outburst.
Its often said that there are three major areas where a status change can affect your whole life - love, housing, and work. It occured to me that there's really about 7 major things that concern everyone, and can cause massive stress:
- Self
- Health
- Money
- Love
- Housing
- Work
- Friends
On Monday, I said that 4 of these things have really been bugging me for some time, and it was time to unearth them: body (self + health), love and housing. Yeah, things are going wrong, but I realized the next morning that I was saving the most difficult challenges for last. Because, despite how sucky the last year and a half has been in these 7 major life areas, I've made tremendous changes tackling them. My life and my comfort in it is completely different than it was a year ago. Just think...
- Health: I've lost 20 lbs, and KNOW that I can do it if I ever gain it back. In addition, not only have I been diligently monitoring the big obvious health issues, but I'm getting a hearing aid - a major life change for me! - and took care of some things I've been meaning to do for years, like dental work.
- Money: I've paid off almost all of my debt and have money left over to enjoy life without guilt. My credit is still far from stellar, but is on the repair for sure.
- Work: Some of my best friends are at work, and I finally see my job like my family: its definitely got its idiosynchrasies, but those are what are the best and worst things about it. Plus, I finally believe that I'm pretty damn good at what I do, and other ppl see it too.
- Friends: I have some pretty kick ass friends - *wave*
So I'm left with housing, love, and self. In reality, its not too bad - they are really the most difficult ones. On top of which, despite feeling like crud for the last week or so, the feeling is really residue from too much pent up upset. There's nothing for me to "fix", I know how to move forward. I just needed to finally mourn my losses enough so that I could truly leave it behind and move forward.
So. I'm ok. I'm not "bounced", I'm not going to be super-cheery, channel my energy into super-productive activities or indulge in self-destructive behavior. I'm learning to deal.
4.16.2007
getting it off my chest
I've been pretty frustrated/unhappy recently, and I think its finally coming out. One of the things I'm really bad about is actually acknowledging the things that are not going well in my life, b/c I always feel like its a reflection of what's wrong with me.
As a consequence, I've been on and off blue and stressed lately. Keeping it in has fed my depression and feeling of isolation - so, out it goes!
As a consequence, I've been on and off blue and stressed lately. Keeping it in has fed my depression and feeling of isolation - so, out it goes!
- Housing. Situation: sucks. No one is happy, my roommate and I are no longer friends. I'm moving out, which makes me feel stressed and scared, but at least its a change. Everything is on the table about all of our frustrations. Its been so long that I've kept it bottled in, that I'm still emoting even after the conversation. I guess there's nothing wrong with feeling crappy, it needs to happen sometimes.
- Boy. I've been on and off in this weird thing with this guy for months. I used to think that it was me, that I just wasn't good enough, but finally I think we've gotten to a point where I get what's going on. I've stopped trying to convince myself that we were just friends b/c I thought that's what I should do. Acknowledging where we really are has done wonders for our ability to relate. We're nothing right now - not really friends, and definitely not anything more - but at least I'm ready to move on and (gasp!) even start dating again.
- Body. Wake up call - I've been trying to ignore it for months, but going to physcial therapy today, it really hit me: I'm fat. Not overweight, per se, but I'm yucky and flabby and weak. Its time to get active. Weight be damned, I want muscle!
- Age. You guys do not know how much turning 30 has impacted my life. I was down all last year b/c of it, and I kept feeling like I should be farther along at this point. Well. I've just decided to re-age myself: I'm really 27 :-) Just saying that, even 1/2 jokingly, has made me feel tons less stressed.
Posting it so publicly forces me to deal with it. Another reason its here? I'm not happy. I don't want to act cheerful or happy when I'm not. Just let me be unhappy, ok? Life kind of sucks right now. I'll bounce. But I gotta do it on my own terms.
4.15.2007
bid bash fun and beyond
On Friday (the 13th, of course), we had our final BID Bash in our Sansome location. We'll be moving to a new building with greater BEA in early May. That, plus the fact that we released "Merced" in the morning, and that it was the last day of three of our longest employees, made for one insane party... much of which I don't remember.
It all started at 4pm, when the 3rd floor held its first-and-hopefully-last ever Box Race: conceived of and sponsored by our VP of Product Management. Basically, people climb into cardboard boxes on wheels that were really meant to trash boxes as we all start to pack up.
Carol climbs in
An action shot: Drew and David push Carol and Eno
And they're off! Rival teams of Kim, Sully, Randy and Matias race down the opposite hall
The winners
At about 4:30, we headed down to the BID Bash, which featured two kegs, lots of wine, massive burritos, and... Guitar Hero!
Christophe, showing his skillz
JohnG gives Joseph a tutorial
Noelle and I give Matias' head as a farewell rub
Some of then separated to forage for food. Rob, whose been having worse cravings than a pregnant woman in the final trimester, decided that he just needed MEAT. So Rob, Dustin, JohnG, and I met up with some people at Espetus, where I guzzled a lethal combination of chicken hearts and sangria.
Dustin tries out my vanilla flavored deodorant for dessert
When my stomach simply couldn't handle anymore dead animal, I scurried off in a cab and joined some other work people finishing up dinner and drinks at Myth. The rest... is a blur.
Carol, me and Jamie, doing something.
Somehow, feeling like a bat out of hell, I managed to crawl up on Saturday afternoon, and join JohnG, Heather, Virginia and Nathan at Wiggy's annual crawfish boil. I stayed far away from the beer, but did have some bugs and 'taters nonetheless.
A fresh batch!
Mmmm... potatoes.
Today, I just want to not move. I'm getting old... can't handle this much fun anymore :-)
It all started at 4pm, when the 3rd floor held its first-and-hopefully-last ever Box Race: conceived of and sponsored by our VP of Product Management. Basically, people climb into cardboard boxes on wheels that were really meant to trash boxes as we all start to pack up.
Carol climbs in
An action shot: Drew and David push Carol and Eno
And they're off! Rival teams of Kim, Sully, Randy and Matias race down the opposite hall
The winners
At about 4:30, we headed down to the BID Bash, which featured two kegs, lots of wine, massive burritos, and... Guitar Hero!
Christophe, showing his skillz
JohnG gives Joseph a tutorial
Noelle and I give Matias' head as a farewell rub
Some of then separated to forage for food. Rob, whose been having worse cravings than a pregnant woman in the final trimester, decided that he just needed MEAT. So Rob, Dustin, JohnG, and I met up with some people at Espetus, where I guzzled a lethal combination of chicken hearts and sangria.
Dustin tries out my vanilla flavored deodorant for dessert
When my stomach simply couldn't handle anymore dead animal, I scurried off in a cab and joined some other work people finishing up dinner and drinks at Myth. The rest... is a blur.
Carol, me and Jamie, doing something.
Somehow, feeling like a bat out of hell, I managed to crawl up on Saturday afternoon, and join JohnG, Heather, Virginia and Nathan at Wiggy's annual crawfish boil. I stayed far away from the beer, but did have some bugs and 'taters nonetheless.
A fresh batch!
Mmmm... potatoes.
Today, I just want to not move. I'm getting old... can't handle this much fun anymore :-)
4.14.2007
4.02.2007
ski bunny, 06-07 season
I know I've been pretty MIA from the blogosphere recently. Its due to a combination of factors - being sick for a couple of weeks, work stress, emotional mess, and spending just about every weekend in Tahoe.
Now that ski season is essentially over, I'll hopefully at least have weekends to post. I have to say, skiing is my new passion. I was so sad to leave Kirkwood yesterday, as I knew that it would most likely be the last time I'd be there until next winter (unless we miraculously have a snow storm in April).
The 06-07 season in retrospect:
1. I'm never cheating on Kirkwood again. I LOVE that resort - every time I go, I have a blast, even when the snow isn't stellar.
2. Heavenly sucks. Poorly designed, unpleasant staff, stupid patrons. Ugh.
OK, not terribly insightful, but I've committed myself. Next season, I'm definitely getting an on-resort cabin and a season pass. Anyone interested?
Now that ski season is essentially over, I'll hopefully at least have weekends to post. I have to say, skiing is my new passion. I was so sad to leave Kirkwood yesterday, as I knew that it would most likely be the last time I'd be there until next winter (unless we miraculously have a snow storm in April).
The 06-07 season in retrospect:
1. I'm never cheating on Kirkwood again. I LOVE that resort - every time I go, I have a blast, even when the snow isn't stellar.
2. Heavenly sucks. Poorly designed, unpleasant staff, stupid patrons. Ugh.
OK, not terribly insightful, but I've committed myself. Next season, I'm definitely getting an on-resort cabin and a season pass. Anyone interested?
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