Then on Friday, she told me that she had copies of them. Yay! I'm so excited that I'm posting them here for posterity... and to show that I've always been a total dumbass.
>> DAY 1: (FINALLY) CONSCIOUS IN MADRID
¡Hola from Madrid, everyone!
After spending all of yesterday unconscious from jet lag, we’ve finally spent our first wandering around Madrid.
Lessons that we have learned so far:
- "Libre" does not = book. If you ask for a libre-store, the Spanish will just look at you funny and walk away.
- "Salida" is not a street name. This wasn’t obvious until we realized that every Metro station coincidentally had a street name called "salida"
- Spanish food consists of salt, butter and fried anything. If we don’t find some fruits and vegetables soon, we will have an even harder time fitting into our plane seats back.
- Do not ask directions from strange men with icicle-like boogers hanging out of their nose. Do I need to explain this one?
- Not everyone in Spain speaks English. In fact, none of our waiters thus far seem to speak English, or notice that we don’t speak Spanish.
- US Air SUCKS and their spanish movies are not in spanish.
Besides our lessons learned, Madrid has been wonderful. The weather has been absolutely perfect - warm, but not ungodly hot. We wandered around the Sol, Sol and also the Sol area all day, exploring the palace, some churches and the Puerta del Sol. Heather really likes the Metro, and has decided that she is going to ride it all day. She also got some ass-grabbing action going on, even though one of the guys was not actually animate.
We are taking off tomorrow morning for our scary roadtrip through Southern Spain. Rather than going to Seville, Granada and Costa del Sol as we planned, we’ve decided just to drive through off the beaten track areas. Heather is pretending to drive a stick shift car ...we’ll see if we can make it out of Madrid.
Adíos for now, we’ll email more if we make it alive :-)
Séreña y Juaníta (otherwise known as "e-atter")
>> DAY 3: MÉRIDA, SEVILLE AND GOOD VIBRATIONS
Well, the fact that we’ve managed to make it this far means that we’re not dead. But I gotta tell ya, it was really a close thing today.
We ended up spending last night in a little town called Mérida, which Heather wrote about last night. It has one of the biggest collections of Roman ruins in Spain. It also has a charming hotel with no air conditioning, and men who play "Rhythm of the Night" outside of our hotel room window at 3 am. ¿Seriously, he couldn’t pick Ricky Martin or something cultural, right? So after our entertaining and restful night, we managed to make it through the amazing ruins in Mérida. All I can say is, thank god for 256MB memory chips. ¡Postcards coming!
After spending most of the day in Merida (yeah, we were REALLY going to leave at noon), we drove through the mountainous roads to Sevilla. OK, just one thing about the car - when it gets onto a slight incline, it stalls. And when I say incline, I don’t mean like San Francisco hills. I mean less than your treadmill incline. This is especially nerve racking because everytime it stops and starts up again, it does this vibrating thingy. And I don’t mean a "hey, I’m having fun with my Good Vibrations friend" vibrating thingy, I mean a "hey, I think the engine is going to fall out and we’re going to die" vibrating thingy. At one point in time, it would only go 80 kph (roughly 55 mph), so even these big-ass trucks decided we were going too slow and would pass us.
We decided to name our car Lil P.I.M.P. - because, as Heather says, it thinks its all that, but when it has to perform, it really can’t.
The good thing is that the ruins were just astounding, Mérida is the cutest place ever, and we’re finally in Sevilla, which is absolutely gorgeous! We’ve found a nice place to sleep (we hope) and are not getting in the car for the next two days.
Lessons Learned:
- "Yo comprar de uste" does not translate well into "I would like to buy from you..." Somehow we managed to get the poster anyway.
- There is no equivalent of coffee-to-go in Spanish, or if there is, we definitely don’t know it. It took Heather 10 minutes of "café.. vamos! Cupo plastico!" to get a cup of coffee in a Coke cup.
- No, Serena, the maps are NOT inverted.
- Heather likes to grab ass. Pictures coming.
¡Adíos for now! I’m totally bring a Spanish keyboard home with me.
Love, Séreña y Juaníta
>> DAY 4: ¡NO CONDUZCA EN SEVILLA!
¿Cómo usted dice "HELP!" en español?
When we last left off, our heroines Séreña y Juaníta had successfully reached Sevilla, and were ready for a night of exotic flamenco dancing and cerveza. Oh, how things did not go right...
So last night, we found a hotel online and started to drive towards it. After going around and around and around ( they have circles instead of intersections) in the wrong part of town (there are TWO Calle Andalucías in Sevilla), we somehow turned into this random little side street/sidewalk. Kiddies, if you learn only one lesson from our little trip, it is not "learn how to speak Spanish before going to Spain, or even make sure you bring bread with you at all times because the Spanish eat at really weird hours and you may starve". It is DO NOT DRIVE IN SEVILLA. If you insist on doing so, stick to the major streets, do not turn into a street if you can’t see the other end, and never drive somewhere that your car doesn’t actually fit through.
We ended up lost... and lost... and lost... in a maze of small, narrow side streets for like FOUR HOURS. It was absolutely the most ridiculous thing ever, we felt like Alice after she fell down the rabbit hole. Every time we found a major street, we would breathe a sigh of relief, only to discover that to go back to where we needed to be, we needed to go through more side windy streets. Heather was convinced that we were going to get stuck in one of the narrow alleys, and our bumper was going to fall off. Luckily, she was too busy having her own temper tantrum to notice that I had thrown the McDonald’s bag around the car. I had to pick up the fries this morning.
Somehow we ended up out of the maze and at a cute hotel that is ONE BLOCK from where we started out! The irony. Or stupidity, however you look at it.
Luckily, today has been much, much better. We saw an amazing Cathedral in central Sevilla, and climbed up 30 stories up the Giralda for a spectacular view of the city. We also did the touristy thing and signed up for a city tour. The entire point of that was to ride a double-decker bus; we ended up on a trolley.
Tonight... flamenco finally!
Spanish Lessons:
Puerto de rivo != bridge over the river.
Example:
Serena: ¿Habla ingles?
Random Spanish Guy: Un porquito
Serena: We are perdito. ¿Donde esta aquí?
Random Spanish Guy: Where you go? Cathedral?
Serena: No, donde esta us right now? jetzt? maintenant? (Lots of gesturing to the ground)
Random Spanish Guy: Where you go? Cathedral?
Serena: Er, ok, puerto de rio.
Random Spanish Guy: Huh?
Other random thoughts:
- Heather Quote of the Day: "I’m flashing everyone. Hello!"
- Heather gets attacked by a tree
- Serena making sign language to English speaking people
- You know you’re desperate when you start wrapping up the free bread wherever you go. We have yet to figure out when people in Spain actually eat, and have been starving for the last 3 days.
Needless to say, its been an adventure. Stay tuned...
Séreña y Juaníta
>> DAY 5: THE RAIN IN SPAIN & HALFWAY DONE
Or should I say the torrential downpour in Spain?
I knew that our luck with the weather couldn’t hold, and today, its been storming like crazy. We made it to Ronda late this afternoon and have been trying to wait out the rain. It started out mostly clear, and we had all these visions of us riding down a ravine on the back of a mule, but nature just wasn’t cooperating with us :-)
Ronda, for those of you who don’t know, is an absolutely charming, adorable little town that is perched on top of a cliff. Unlike the rest of Andalucía, its very lush and green, and there are just spectacular views of the Sierras against the backdrop. We are staying close to the city center, and have a view of some amazing mountains out of our (tiny) window. We are hoping that the weather will clear up tomorrow so we can explore a bit, and maybe go crawling through some caves, otherwise, we’re going to head for Granada for the last real day of our road trip.
¿Did you know... ?
- At the rest stop outside of Sevilla, they sell underwear (thongs!) in a vending machine for the bargain price of €2. We each got a pair, Heather’s is flourescent green. At least we’re not in Japan, so its probably not used.
- Stores in Ronda are open from 5pm to 8:30 pm. There are only 3 Internet places here. Oxtail stew tastes like oxtail stew. Our hotel has a rotary dial phone that doesn’t work. They sell olives and pistachios in vending machines.
- Heather attracts strange men. And talks to them. And ends up buying CDs that we haven’t heard from them because aforementioned strange men show her pictures of all the poor school children that are benefiting from the sale of this cd. Or something.
- Andalucía has an English soft rock station. People, you have not experienced life until you’ve driven through the mountains in the South of Spain singing "Ain’t No Mountain High Enough" and miscellaneous Chicago songs.
There are no Spanish lessons in today’s edition, mostly because I think we’ve mastered the art of saying "coffee to go" and "where is the bathroom". Thanks to Antonio... ohhhh, Antonio.
I think I have scurvy. Adíos,
Séreña y Juaníta
>> DAY 6: ¡¿DONDE ESTA THE DAMN STREET SIGNS?!
Well, we are on the last full day of our road trip through Spain, and all I have to say is: Where are the damn street signs?!
We have, by this point, walked through Madrid, driven through Cáceres, Merída, Sevilla, Ronda and Granada, and the one thing that we have noticed is that there are NO ACTUAL SIGNS WITH STREET NAMES ON THEM. Are we, like, dumb or something? (Don’t answer that.) Looking for a street, an address, etc., is fairly difficult when you don’t know where you are.
At the same time, there are massive amounts of random signs pointing to tourist attractions, crappy hotels, and parking garages. Apparently, someone in Granada especially had a *great* time with that... the signs will point us first left, then right, then left again... through little tiny roads when the attraction is on a major street... take you around the entire perimeter of the city, and then drop you exactly 10 feet away from where you started out. We both experienced a horrid sense of déjà vu when we started driving into a little narrow alleyway today. Luckily, we found the first major road and took it, heedless of where it would actually take us.
And people, trust me, do not stay at a hotel you find through these street signs. I’m not sure how a hotel qualifies for street signage, but one of the criteria must be that it is a piece of crap. We are staying at the worst hotel I’ve ever been to (and that includes all the sleazy motels from... er, never mind). We have to ask them to turn on the A/C for us. The room smells like roach spray, which, in a place like that, we’re not sure if we should complain or be thankful for. And we’re absolutely convinced that the sheets haven’t been washed since never - a telling mark being someone else’s hair on the blanket.
It was only our extreme need to find a hotel, get out of the car, and pee that led us to book it without checking it out. Heather was so happy when we found it that she was actually rocking the car back and forth in anticipation. (Um, yikes?) I guess we needed one crappy hotel... we’ve been far too spoiled on this trip :-)
But we’re here, and tomorrow, we will be heading out bright and early to the Alhambra for our last major stop on this trip. Then, the morning after, a flight from Malaga back to Madrid, followed by a day of shopping, and finally, our torturous plane ride home.
We did manage to explore Ronda in the pouring rain, with ponchos and all. Of course, it totally cleared up as we were heading out of Ronda, so we spent those €2 for nothing except some funny pictures and a dog chasing after us for 10 minutes trying to bite our ponchos. We then drove to Granada, and might have made it in time before it closed, if not for the cross-city journey that we ended up taking thanks to Granada street signs and circles.
So we shall return soon, with a thousand pictures for you guys to look at - literally. (I’m stealing Heather’s witty line for the trip. She’s now calling me a f***er.) And soon you’ll stop receiving these random, ranting emails from us. Or maybe not.
Adíos for now...
Séreña y Juaníta
>> THE END: BACK HOME IN SF
After an exhausting 16 hour flight, we are finally back home. For a minute, we were really excited to be back in a place where everyone speaks English and doesn't drive like a maniac. Then we realized that we were in San Francisco.
We spent our last day back in Madrid doing what we do best - shopping! It was very exciting. Besides being back in the same hotel we started off at, riding the Metro and listening to pop-techno in the department stores, it was just like being home. Well, people are a little better at the Spanish there, but whatever.
Some Final Thoughts/Lessons Learned from our journey:
- It costs €0.75 to send a postcard from Spain to the US, NOT €0.51. So if you ever do get your postcards, it probably won't be until next year. Sorry. Bugger. We'll send out virtual postcards from SF *smiles apologetically*
- 60 year old men in Madrid like to hit on girls who look like they're 15 on the Metro. Wink, wink, kiss, kiss. Yuck.
- Serena: Donde esta el Metro?
Heather: Enrico - Serena: In case you didn't notice, I'm Asian.
Heather: Really? I thought you just ran into the wall a lot. - We really didn't need to bring the disposable toilet seat covers
- ... or 3 pairs of shoes (each)
- ... or print out weather reports that were NOT ACCURATE. (Uh, hello? 90 and sunny at the beach?!)
- Did we mention that USAir SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS?
- Yes, Michelle - the Spanish food here is better than Spanish food in Spain. When you can find it, that is. We spent most of the trip hoarding our not free bread in fear of starvation, since we never actually figured out when it was that people in Spain eat. I think its between 1:00 - 1:30, and then 9:00 - 10:00. We also figured out that the reason the Spanish take naps is because they are so passed out from hunger by 3 that they, you know, pass out.
- And finally... Do not roadtrip in a country where you don't speak the language. More importantly, do not roadtrip in a country that does not have street signs.
And thus concludes the adventures of Séreña y Juaníta. I'm going to try and stay on the ground for a while and recover by giving myself a colonic. Heather is going to sleep for a couple of weeks and not eat bread ever again. Pictures coming soon... don't worry, we won't send out all 1,012 of them.
Adíos and adieu for now,
Séreña y Juaníta
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