the aftermath: good and otherwise

"It seems like a lifetime
Since I felt like a prisoner of my dreams
It took such a long time
For me to realize just how to be
And to listen to me"

Christina Aguilera
Thank You

Its been a while since I've put up a real post. And its taken me the last week to figure out why: I'm emotionally exhausted.

I didn't realize it (or at least, wasn't able to articulate it) until the breakup with A last Sunday. It was weird. I was upset for one day, and then... nothing. I mean, I miss him. I'm sad. I believe that he's right, something was completely broken between us. But rather than even feeling anything, much less doing my usual breakdown of the issue, analysis and goal setting, I just... sat.

In some ways, getting to burnout has helped me appreciate all that I've accomplished this year. Its been a 180-degree difference. I've learned the roots of my emotional eating and spending. I've become fiscally responsible. I know who I am, what my boundaries are, and what is or is not ok in my life. I've made a complete transformation at work. I've learned intimacy, vulnerability, and real friendship. I've gotten beyond the image of what I want to be, and found more. I've found balance.

And yet, through the last 9 months, all I could think of is how much further I need to go; all the things that I still have to do. I usually am pretty gung-ho about improvements, be they physical, emotional or spiritual. But I think I am at a point where I have made so many changes, that I need to learn just to be, and stop being a prisoner of my perfectionism. I've lost friends because of it - the last thing I need to do is to lose myself, after it took so damn long to figure out who the hell I am.

*~*~*~*
This plays a large part into how I'm dealing with the breakup. At least, this time, we are both in agreement: we've been trying to band-aid a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. We've both been assholes to each other; we're both guilty, angry, sorry, and relieved all at the same time. There's no question that we care about each other deeply and enjoy each other's company. But the problems are too deep rooted, and - at least for now - both of us are too exhausted to try to fix them.

I told A that we need to really repair our problems before we can even think about getting back together. If we can't fix what's broken between us, we will never be the sort of true friends that both of us want to be. Until that happens, I personally can't even think about whether or not we are compatible as more.

Its nice that we're on the same level here. I don't know if I've ever been in a breakup situation where two people are basically equal in the dynamics, and are committed to what needs to be done to move forward as friends. Its going to be a matter of how each of us handles our end of it - and when. I don't know when I'll even be ready to think about it, contrary to my "fix it" nature. But at least I'm not alone in this.