required reading

For all of you out there who has a problem believing that I am, in fact, an introvert - read on:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

I'm not sure I have read a better way to describe myself than this:

Introverts are not necessarily shy... Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Now I'm going to lock myself in my room and be alone.

is this what god is about?

Most of you know that I'm Catholic. Growing up both Asian and Catholic - even going to Catholic school with nuns and rulers! - my idea of God has always been somewhat like a stern, vengeful figure, more Jewish than Christian. "If you do something bad, God will punish you" type of thing. A little illustrated book of Bible stories that I read when I was 6 or so, which mostly contained stories from the Old Testament, probably contributed to that.

Even though Catholics are technically Christians, its certainly a religion centered around guilt and the repercussions of doing wrong. But recently, I think I've finally come to understand the Christian view of God; that at the core of Christianity is forgiveness. Whether or not that is actually practiced amongst the Protestant denominations I certainly don't know - after all, some of the fanatics you hear about in the news are less forgiving and more judgemental. Yet, we all know that the way religion is used as a social and political tool often have nothing to do with the intent or the spirit of the Bible.

If you wonder why I started to think about this out of nowhere, its a combination of a few things. First, I've finally decided to participate in RCIA and confirm my Catholicism. I was baptized when I was a baby and went to Catholic school in grade school; yet I never was confirmed. My involvement with the church have varied on and off - sometimes I'd go to Mass, most times I wouldn't. Because my family is not Catholic, I was hardly consistent and only learned what I learned on my own. RCIA assumes that you have no background in the faith, and its lessons and spiritual journeys really force you to think about what it is that you feel about God, and hope to gain from becoming a Catholic.

I've also been doing a fair amount of self-exploration. Not in the going-to-therapy, reading -self-help-books, on-a-mission sort of way that I used to be. I'm just trying to be, and in the meantime, let whoever/whatever I am float to the surface. I've consciously isolated myself from my traditional sources of support (friends, therapy, etc.) not because they are not valuable, but because I now recognize that I usually end up using them as a crutch. I want to learn how to finally take care of my own shit, instead of blaming other people, feeling the victim, or needing help. Support is wonderful, but not when it enables you to not think for yourself.

In any case, a big part of what has floated to the surface is recognizing all the bad things I've done, and the need to forgive - both myself and others. I feel guilty about almost every damn thing, and while a lot of that is because I'm a perfectionist or a control freak - at the root, it is because I have never really been able to let go of the things I've done and move on. Without being able to directly admit and address the issue to myself, its always just come busting out to the surface in a variety of inappropriate ways.

As I go through the RCIA journeys, I realize more than anything that what I want from God is forgiveness. Until I feel forgiven for my sins, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive anyone else for what they've done to me, because ultimately, I do not think that I'll be worthy to get angry. Its always this zero-sum game with me: if I do something wrong, and someone does something wrong to me that's unrelated, I feel that I deserve it. And though my belief in karma will likely never waver, until I can forgive others for what has happened to me, I'll never be able to move on with my life or past my issues.

So. Is this what God is all about? Forgiveness? If the Christian God is indeed a kinder, gentler God than the one in the Old Testament, then I can finally understand why people can find salvation in their faith. Cynic that I am (I majored in Nazi Germany, remember), I've always believed that "faith" equaled brainwashing, a need to belong to a social movement, a need for identity, a need to be guided - even while I feared God enough to keep my conscience mostly clean. Maybe the ability to believe that faith's power lies in love and forgiveness will help me be more receptive to the idea that love and forgiveness actually exist.

"I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this"
Christina Aguilera, Hurt

score!

I've been struggling with this gym decision for the last couple of weeks. You see, I have a single club membership at Club One Citigroup, which is a lot further away from the office, but totally worth it. When I was checking out gyms, I had decided that the one a block-and-half away was just not my thing. Its kind of claustrophobic, and I didn't love the classes.

However, recently I've been rethinking that decision. A bunch of my coworkers work out at the Embarcadero club, including Christine, who is supposed to be my gym buddy. And since its starting raining and getting darker earlier, I started to think that having the club so close would give me less excuses not to work out. But I didn't want to commit to a year contract at the Embarcadero Club, and I didn't want to be stuck in a year contract for all clubs. Theoretically, once spring is back, I'll be happy to trek over to the Citigroup Center.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, I talked to the club's GM again, and she released me from the one year commitment with no penalty. Not only that, I negotiated an all-SF club rate that's month-to-month, AND have access to all the SF clubs now, even though I don't start paying the new rate until Dec. 1st.

I'm stoked. If I really don't use the gym that often to justify the $20 extra per month, I can just hunker back down to the single-club membership come spring.

and the beat goes on...

I'm in a surprisingly good mood today. This morning, I ran into a co-worker at a coffee place next door to work. "Happy Monday... is it a good morning?" he greeted me. "It will be, if we want it to be," I exclaimed.

Even though there were definitely some frustrations with work (as usual), I feel like I've finally closed a chapter in my life and I'm ready to move on. This weekend, while highly emotional and difficult, helped me realize a lot of things going on with me and Neandy, and about myself. I'm still not ready to talk to anyone about it, but its a good step forward to moving on.

After I posted last night, Neandy and I had an out-and-out showdown regarding the boundaries of our friendship. It was hard, but (a) I think I finally got all the frustration and resentment I'd been harboring for the last year off my chest, and (b) I'd rather not invest more in him emotionally, even as a friend, if he's not on the same page. Both of us agreed that we're not speaking for a month. After that, we shall see. But its out there, I'm not walking away with anything left unsaid, and I feel liberated.

*~*~*~*
I continued along on my goal to make working out a habit. I didn't make it to kickboxing tonight - too tired, stayed too late at work, but I got home and did some serious yoga. I tried the Solar Flow on my yoga dvd, and man did it kick some ass! At one point, I was sweating so much that I had to pause and grab a towel! I didn't make it through the whole workout, but about 30 mins of some serious vigorous work and another 15 of more stretchy-relaxy stuff. Most important is that I did it. Yay me.

i love waking up early

As much as I want to be "cool" and say that I did something interesting on Friday nights, I have to admit that I really enjoy waking up early on the weekends without any sort of hangover, or oh-shit moments. This is all about being the real me, right? And the real me likes getting up and hitting the gym. Really sets a good tone to my weekend.

In other news, I am reviving the Before & After Pics and weekly weight loss update. My goals are to get back into shape and actually make working out an unbreakable habit, not just losing pounds. Stay tuned tomorrow...

new motto

"Don't chase me... unless you're ready to catch me."

Am I the chaser or the chased? Seems to apply either way.

yoga + kickboxing = ouch

Or, more accurately, BLOODY BUGGERING OUCH!

So my first week back to working out has been a pretty good one. I've gotten in 4 workouts, and I'm still planning to go to the gym on Sat morning, before meeting Sara for the farmer's market.

That is, if I can move. I did yoga last night (after kickboxing the night before), thinking that it would stretch me out. Uh, no. Vinyasa is not THAT relaxing. Its a lot of arm work, which means that today, my arms and gravity are not getting along.

I guess its a good ouch. But still.

sunny start to a rainy day

It didn't look like it was going to be a good morning. I woke up to gray skies - finally, winter (and the rainy season) has started in SF. I had gone kickboxing the night before for the first time in years, and I could barely lift my arms to brush my teeth. On top of which, I missed the bus by a hair's breadth.

So I headed into Sally's Cafe to actually sit down and have my morning muffin and coffee, and who do I see but Isidro. He teaches a 6:30am Spin class at World Gym across the street, and was getting his breakfast as well.

"Care to join me?" I ask.

"Sure, but don't tell my wife," he winks.

It was nice to sit down and catch up over coffee. Not only that, he was nice enough to give me a ride to work. I should start every morning like this - relaxed, and chatting with friends.